Long story short. In college I had a mentor who would grab/stroke/touch my d*** without my permission (I’d move his hand, tell him to stop, but he’d keep going). He would always talk about how he manipulated other people to get what he wants, call me a b****/ or say around me after I said I was bisexual, and things of that nature.

He knew I wouldn’t say or do anything about because I needed his guidance. And that wasn’t right. But, I want to forgive him so I can move past this. Like I had a nightmare last night about being in the same room as him. I can’t continue to live like this. I refuse to keep letting this eat me alive.

——

I recently hung out with my friend group from college and I realized a few things:

1. I was scared he might be at the meetup, but he wasn’t. And the relief I felt was immense

2. I’m afraid to let people get close to me because I’m afraid if I let someone who’s not family get close to me I’ll be taken advantage of.

I don’t think living life in fear is how to live.

I want to go back to trusting people.

I want to go back to developing and maintaining relationships with people outside my family.

I want to overcome this fear. I want to overcome this shame. I want to overcome this guilt.

Usually I’d say if you’re afraid of something face it, but this s*** got me paralyzed. I know I have a problem and I know I need help but I don’t even know where to go from there.

Also I tried to get therapy for this but either I didn’t have insurance, can’t afford it or the therapist never got back to me about appointment times. (Which are all consequences of a multitude of problems in America but that’s another thread for a different day.)

I am also a black man btw. So people don’t really take what happened to me as serious as if I was a different sex/race. The few people I had told just say sorry that happened, and change the subject.

After getting abused, how do you live?

There is no need to forgive dude!

Abuse may be a complex phenomenon to you that leaves you confused on how you want to confront and conclude your relationship with your absuer, but you have the agency and right to

not forgive
Not contact
Not respect

Those who took advantage of and degraded your sense of self respect and your sense of self importance

Try other ways to seek professional help & dnt listen to ktt users opinions

It is a hard road to rebuild a sense of self after being abused by those you trust, but self affirmation and self expression will always reinforce the humanity that lays within you which your abuser tried to diminish and control

Remind yourself of what you love, what you long for, what you want to be, who you want to surround yourself with

Not in the simple and straightforward sense of healthy relationships and belonging and recovery, but what that long term goal is

When you look for those healthy relationships, how do you want your friends to be? Outgoing? Reserved? Curative? Creative? If you feel like you’ve escaped their grasp physically and verbally, then begin the emotional and mental journey as well; find what they took from you

forgive but never forget

You can move on and move forwards without forgiving. I feel like if you're looking for help to forgive, you might not be ready to -- and that's okay.

I firmly believe that you don't have to forgive (contrary to the Catholic values I was raised with). I don't see forgiveness as the last step of moving on from something. I think you can die without forgiving someone for what they've done, and that's completely fine if you feel that way. One of the biggest problems I had with the Catholic values was that I felt like people were forced to forgive (even when it was not deserved), because they were painted as bad people if they didn't. There is this idea that everyone can be and will be absolved of any guilt and shame with forgiveness (because a lot of people are uncomfortable with the idea that there is bad in the world), but I think that's bullshit. Some people don't deserve to be forgiven, but you fully deserve to move on with your life.

I struggled with this conflict for a really long time.

I still haven't forgiven the guy who raped and sexually assaulted me for years, or my ex-friend who tried to kill me and my other friends after manipulating and exploiting us for years -- but I have moved past these experiences and moved on with the things that I want to achieve.

Personally, once I:

• fully acknowledged and accepted (and I mean fully) that these were horrible things that happened
• fully embraced and felt all the emotions that I was suppressing (as stupid as it may sound, these white girl romcoms where the main character cries and screams and eats ice cream for days and slash tires after a breakup and then feel better made more sense to me after I allowed myself to feel and express the anger and sadness I felt -- just as long as you're not hurting yourself or others)
• acknowledged that it was unfair
• truly understood that I had no control of fault and had no reason to feel guilty or ashamed (this is a really difficult one)
• and really realized (with the help of friends and family and other loved ones) that these experiences did not have to affect my present and my future

it was so much easier to focus on things I wanted to focus on.

I rarely think of these experiences anymore, and even if and when I do, I don't feel the overwhelming and debilitating negative emotions like I used to.

In terms of trust, I really don't think the trust issues go away completely, but I've learned to live with it as a helpful and protective tool for when I navigate new relationships. Getting it to become something I can control from something that was a knee-jerk defensive reaction took a lot of time and effort, but surrounding myself with people I love and trust really helped. I think this is the hardest part of it, in my personal experience.

I realized that a lot of the stuff I just typed is s*** white girl crystal hippie yoga gurus would say about acceptance and love and healing or whatever, but this is what worked for me, as someone who grew up in a culture and environment where all of this is heavily stigmatised and where I was expected to express no emotion and be an extremely high achiever.

I just want to ask you though, have they fully acknowledged and truly apologized for their actions without offering excuses and explanations? Has this person shown themselves as someone who deserves to be forgiven? Why do you want to forgive this person?

Nahhh ruin his f***ing life

you don’t have to forgive anyone as anyone else said

i’m not able to read your post in the depth it deserves but i’d say if possible, keep well away and protect your peace

Like others said there’s no need to forgive to be able to move past it

Very wholesome responses btw

Sometimes where an okay site

@op stay strong

What they did doesn't deserve forgiveness one bit, but forgiveness in sake of dissolving a load of the pain and trauma you feel to move past this would be completely understandable. I didn't forgive them to wash away their actions, I did it to ease the confusing dreams and evil thoughts that consumed me. Keep trying to seek professional help as much as you can. We're here for you if you need to chat

Thank you. I’ve been so angry and mad and frustrated for years now. I’ve keeping it a secret and getting high so I don’t have to feel anything. Hating myself because I was too afraid to do anything about it. But I’m going to let myself feel these feelings I’ve been holding in for so long.

Thank you. I wish I could explain my gratitude better but thank you so much. Thank you

Closure comes from where you're at with the situation, not forgiving someone else or being cool with them. No need to forgive, just love yourself right where you're at and try to move on.