I cannot describe the immense stress and anxiety i feel at this moment and time. im so behind school, therapy has been more stress than a help, Christmas was kind of a s*** show this year, and back to the school thing, i think im going to fail. im literally in my senior year and i cant describe the feeling of being so close to something but so far from it.

sometimes i think about ending it. taking the easy way out. ending all of the pain stress and anxiety i feel over everything. but i cant do that. i love my family and the little friends that i have to even do that. i think about this every day and has its perks on both sides of the decisions.

recently i met someone new. f*** its been almost 100 days since cats passed and it gets to me all the time. but this person i met understands where i stand in the situation because hes been in my shoes before too. hes won the hearts of all of my family (the remaining that i still care to speak to) as well as cats family. all they ever want is for me to be happy and i feel that cats wants me to be happy too.

but even in that i feel like im failing. i feel like im not good enough for him actually. he is so out of my league visually and emotionally, it actually stresses me whenever someone in his past reaches out to him. hes been quite loyal so far though, and he says that im the most amazing person hes ever met in the world. but i always doubt when people say that to me. i know that theres always someone better than me.

i dont know. its been rough and i feel like i have no purpose in my life. i feel like i was destined to be a failure. if i were to ever in my life succeed, that would be by just pure luck. i probably would never deserve anything greater.

From the time of Cat’s passing to reading everything you’ve been doing since then for his mother and family, you have every right to feel and struggle as immensely as you do. Nobody in your circumstance can possibly juggle the grieving of a dear friend, being emotionally available for two different families plus trying to maintain a school life. You have been battling a deep and long depression while trying to maintain your composure and finding balance in your every day life.

You are GOOD ENOUGH. You are BRAVE AND COMPASSIONATE WITH A SINCERE HEART. There is no rational expectation for someone in your shoes to be able to just move on with your life as if things should just come to you.

But I want you to know that ultimately, no matter what happens, your priority in life is yourself and I assure that is NOT a selfish act. You need to take care of you and that means finding what is truly best for yourself. I cannot dictate that, but I tell you these things because it starts with the faith of finding your way through these times and learning who you are and how you feel and what’s most important to you. You making it through these hardships will set an example to others when you tell your story. The mistakes and failures you make are keystones into understanding what you find to be the most essential to your life.

I know it can seem that things are uncertain, and they are, but they always will be and that’s okay. What’s most important is what you do now in the present. But I must emphasize the importance of making yourself and your health and overall well being your priority. Life is filled with wondrous opportunities and perspectives that we cannot perceive until we discover and live them out. You are a person who possesses a deep and endearing heart and I’m sure you seek to find balance and harmony with your life as well as those you care for, but what will happen will happen. And that’s okay. You have a long journey ahead of you, no doubt. Taking that leap and making those baby steps every day is more than enough. You can do this. There may be sacrifices and hardships along the way, but know that if you willingly accept those and focus on working through them, you will find yourself anew and in a different light that you couldn’t imagine now. I faith in you.

ypu have no idea how much that meant to me. ive been struggling to process new information lately thats out of my hands that involves me and i wish i could do something. im going to screenshot this message and look back at it everytime i feel like my life is out of control. i really didnt expect an answer and i kind of use this platform as an outlet to my feelings and i thank you for giving your time to actually read my s***. hope you had a good new years!