TLDR: I went to an eating disorder clinic and I was a shut in but found out I had value as a human and I’m working on healing
I just had all this s*** on my chest that I need to get out

I’ve been flipping through different eating disorders but mostly anorexia and Orthorexia, the obsession of being healthy. I checked into a rehab facility in September to fix it and it worked. I’ve recovered mostly.

However, my first time there I was sat into the cafe (they didn’t feed me even though they knew I was coming. a******s) on one of the isolated seats. There were a couple others and there were 2 bigger tables. So how I normally move, I like to sorta lurk in the shadows in a group where I observe to see how people are before I jump into a conversation and say something embarrassing. So I was looking, and this girl was sorta mugging me like she wasn’t approving of me. So I happened to look at her back in my observing everyone state, and she just slowly waved at me while giving me a “wtf are you doing” look, bringing the attention to me which I did not want. I then said “I’m just observing” as everyone looked at me.

Now keep in mind, these were all females, and due to my past relationships and my general rivalry it seems with white girls my whole life, the trauma from infidelity, to the point where after I was done with school, I decided to never talk to one again outside of something like a store for a cashier or someone at work. So it honestly felt very embarrassing and it took me back to high school and middle school where I had embarrassing moments with the opposite s***frequently.

So in my mind, I thought that they didn’t want me to even look at them or even try to interact with them cause I guess I was being creepy to them or whatever, so at that point whenever we were waiting for group, I just stayed looking at my phone, curled up, or stared at a wall or a ceiling, keeping my head up so people don’t think I’m looking at them.

The staff were a problem too. I walked in and got a seat that had a big pile of hair next to it when I came in. Now I didn’t mind it, but I have dreads so they automatically thought it was coming from me, ignoring the different hair type and the patient next to me whose hair was thinning like crazy. Then they started to ask about how I wash it or whatever and I just felt dehumanized. Another thing they harped on me about was weed. I simply said I do it at night after I handle my business and they always kept harping on me to make sure I wasn’t doing it here like yes I’m not f***ing stupid.

It was an absolute nightmare. I was stuck in there for 6 weeks 11 hours a day constantly feeling isolated and scapegoated by the staff. Eventually I found out I was only bad at talking to patients when there’s a lot of groups around, but if they come at me with respect and are actually interested in talking to me, I find that I held the conversation well.

However there was another problem. I ended up crushing on some people and I didn’t even want to. They’re either married or gay so I know not to flirt with anyone. The reason I started crushing heavy was cause I’m so emotionally starved that any girl that is nice to me I imagine our future together. I recognize this delusion as a delusion however so I think I’m good at hiding it. IRL I always have a blank face and only speak with a purpose so I don’t think anyone can tell if I’m crushing on them or not. So that’s not a problem.

But there were positive moments. The first time I came out of my shell in group was with this one girl that had an autism diagnosis and she felt like a defect so I just said you’re wired differently. Idk why I did it but I guess I felt that my entire time there and most of my life cause we had the same neurodivergence and i felt I could trust her.

There was also another girl who was playing music from her laptop and I recognized the first 2 seconds of Caribou Lou by Tech N9ne play and I’m like “Hollup, play that back ”. We actually got along even tho I was constantly wondering what her motives were since I have natural trust issues with females after constantly being betrayed, cheated, and used as entertainment by them without me realizing it. When it was her last day she gave everyone a card with a hand written message that was encouraging and her number. It took me a day to muster up the courage but I ended up texting her back thanking her for the card. But I hid alerts out of fear of what she might say. I still haven’t checked to this day. But I also thanked her because I felt it would be weird for one party to have someone’s information without getting the other party’s so I felt it would be better if she also knew my number so we’re even.

And it turns out a lot of people ended up enjoying my presence. There was a group activity where they write compliments on papers handed to them with their name on it and they’d write it and pass it down. And I felt they were genuine. I’ve framed it and hung it up on my wall to preserve it and to remind myself that I have value as a human.

Sometimes I think back and I fear running into anyone again even though I seem to have left a positive impression. I might’ve scared some of them with the door incident but overall sometimes I look back and think I should’ve doubled down on shutting down and myself away from everyone cause I felt pressured by the staff to interact with people, even tho my battles were fought in the cafe, to eat the food and face my fears. I can’t face all my demons in just 6 weeks. This’ll be years before I fully heal, but I’m seeing therapy so hopefully I’ll heal regardless. Ima trust the process.

I didn't read all that but my ex also went to rehab for an ED. S*** isn't easy bro. Keep going

Congrats on your recovery OP 🙏

Interesting story. Thanks for being vulnerable and sharing. It takes strength to be vulnerable. Glad to see you recovered.

How do the girls in there look like? It’s skinny model types?

Plus what do the eating sessions look like? You in a group or alone and what do they serve?

Not really a specific type of body there. Some super skinny some super fat and some that are a good weight for them.

And we each get 30 minutes to finish a meal together in the cafe.

This was a good read. But check if you got a text back dude.

Emphasis on the last part

Honestly I feel I can get closure from this whole experience if I told someone from ERC why I acted the way I did since I think about what would happen if I ran into someone from there. I’ve tried to in my last processing group but I was still confused as to why I’m scared and it came out wrong. I said it was hard being a man there which is sorta true but it can be hard being a token anything in a group where everyone’s scared of you off rip in general. Especially someone as radically different looking than the average man that they see often though they might not have a problem with me I still fear what might happen if I told someone that. I’ve come up with 2 outcomes

1. They understand since most of them probably have a fear of men or are as weary of them as I am with women

Or

2. They just ignore me and just write me off as an loser chud that hates them which I don’t hate them. I do care and I appreciate the good things they’ve done for me. If I didn’t I wouldn’t have gone out of my way to hang her card on my wall and thank her for it, nor would I frame and hang that paper on my wall.

But I also don’t want to text her out of nowhere after months of silence and ghosting. I’ll prepare myself to look at it one day when I’m ready. I’ve also realized I’ve lost her as a potential valuable member in my support team but she doesn’t exist to make me feel better so idk anymore what I wanna do. But what I do know is it starts by checking. I just want them to know I think of everyone that still gave me a chance and tried to conversate with me highly. I think she said she was like a psychologist and I believe her cause when I was still in my curled up in a ball mumbling state she was talking to me very softly and sweet just like how any therapist/psychologist would talk to someone when they’re in that state.

But I feel if I end up confessing it’ll feel like the TV ending of Evangelion where everyone’s congratulating Shinji.

But now I’m realizing I don’t have to really confess or anything for now. Opening a text isn’t going to harm me especially if it’s in response to “hi this is I really appreciate the card you gave me. I’ve hung it on my recovery wall”

I’m going to prepare myself to open it at 4 PM which is 2 hours from now

Glad to hear. Please update. Honestly I would not think it's weird to text back now either after going through that. I was in a similar situation in the past too. Try not to overthink but I am aware that's difficult

Good luck, be sure to send her something regardless of her response, she seems like a great person with a great heart that wanted to help you, I’m sure she’d love to hear that you put her message on your wall

I feel like I had to go through all this pain to come out harder than I ever did before like Kaneki. It’s all a process

sending you love OP

I think the most intimidating factor of my fear of looking at the text is her maturity. Even though she’s not that much older than me, her maturity towers over mine. I don’t talk to much grown and mature females much as I still very much feel way younger than I really am. Atleast the look matches the behavior tho so I blend in perfectly with early 20 year olds

What happened that makes you so cautious and overthink everyday interaction with opposite sex?

We gtta keep on healing op! And we will do tht. Lets keep going

So I checked the text and turns out she responded like 3 days later saying “ That’s awesome. I’m glad you liked it. Happy Thanksgiving 🦃” so I’m glad she’s not a big texter so I’m sure she’s not mad at me for never responding.

I might text her summ like “I hope y’all doin well” referring to the other girls she was clicked up with but I think this is enough closure to this arc

"hope you're doing well too, have a good Easter!"

Or just don't reply up to you

Just them (mostly white girls I think most black girls generally enjoy me) basically bullying me, cheating, and just using me for entertainment. I feel I gotta gatekeep my personality more before I start coming out my shell make sure they fw me or not

I think I’ll reply on Easter whenever that is since I’m definitely not at that state to reply but atleast we on good terms despite my neglect

I think my trainer at work is who I need to work on my relationship with cause we fw each other and he fw DOOM which is crazy

my time at portia

Anyway I wanna show love to the KTT bois that showing me love and support yall part of my recovery too and you’ve all made a positive influence in my life

not neglect, dont beat yourself up like that dude, people understand people can go through tough s***

I can honestly feel their aura when I’m under here. It definitely makes me feel like I’m not alone even if we don’t talk at all and I’ll most likely never see them again. (The picture has nothing to do with them or recovery I just needed it to feel more complete)