I wrote something in my diary today, its a long read but all sorts of feelings have come up tonight and I just wanted to share this with anyone who cares enough to read it :)

31/12/2021 4:40am: Thinking about how long its been since I’ve had that feeling of warmth and real connection towards a friend, or anyone, in my life. That feeling that makes you think this person really knows me and gets me, that we have a deep bond. That everything at that moment is bliss and life is wonderful and nothing could taint this moment. I don’t know if my lack of this feeling is the lack of a true friend or my lack of love towards life these days. I miss that feeling.

The last time I remember it happening (vividly) was back when I was playing Rainbow Six Vegas on my Xbox 360 with a particular friend of mine from the clan i was in at the time. That was 2006, about 15 years ago, I would’ve been 9 years old. I don’t tend to remember much from back then but with this, I remember nearly everything that happened surrounding that warm feeling. I remember the map we were playing, the exact part of the map I was at when the feeling happened. I can even remember his voice, but not what he said. I remember where I was in my old house, sitting on the floor late at night trying to keep my voice down so my parents wouldn’t wake up and realise I wasn’t in bed.

But this was all digital, when I think about it this wasn’t even a real experience; this was all online. It makes me question real life if the only memory I have of this feeling was experienced by me through an online friend I had never even met. I’ve never had this strong of a reaction from anything thats occurred in real life (naturally).

I remember it being quite overwhelming, like a rush of endorphins and tingling in my brain. Goosebumps all over my body; it reminds me of the first time I dropped MDMA; it was a very similar feeling. I guess it must have been the rush of serotonin, but why? Nothing particular even triggered the response, it was just another day playing online with my friends. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that good without d**** before. I don’t even think I felt it when I fell in love for the first time, well maybe. But I can’t remember very clearly whether it did, but I remember so clearly when it did 15 years ago. Making me think it was not the same.

I did some research on what this actually could be, nearly all of it ends with love. But how can it be love? I didn’t love this person, I hadn’t even met him. I’m starting to think its less about the person and more about how I felt in life at that point. Looking back at my life its easy for me to see that my happiness has only declined as I’ve gotten older. I remember the moments of pure warm ecstasy and love of life used to occur more often as a child; not regularly but still. I don’t experience that anymore and that really pains me to say.

This may be why I have become addicted to weed, trying to replace my old natural high with a new synthetic version of it. But it doesn’t even come close to the real thing, just enough to keep me sane so thoughts of suicide don’t enter my mind.

All I can take from this is; as life has gone on, I’ve fallen out of love with it. And because of that I do sometimes long to reconnect with the people that made me feel what life has to offer. But I wouldn’t know where to even begin with tracking them down, considering they were around 15/16 when I was playing with them. Not only that but I highly doubt speaking to them would illicit any kind of emotional response from me at this point in my life. Its painful knowing that people that could make me feel such love at one point can no longer get any emotional reaction out of me now. I’ve changed too much. We all have.

I find it amazing how I could have had such a strong reaction through such a seemingly mundane experience. A feeling I have been unable to achieve again since that one night 15 years ago. It feels like I’m chasing that first high that addicts speak about.

Who knows if it’ll ever happen again…

Dam

Thanks for sharing something so personal. I feel like the people who chase their life purpose and achieve it really win because they get to keep their inner child and just do what they love for the most part. Kanyes a billionaire but has still kept his inner child with him

I agree we all seem to have lost something as we grew up, but that bit about using weed to cope is a bit concerning. Hope youre seeing / will see someone about that.

Anyway, may we all prosper in 2022 and beyond ✨

Cut back on the weed, a lot. Watch how quickly things get better.

Thanku for ur words 🖤

Its funny because today has been the first day in a long time i havent smoked any. And although i feel myself wanting it, i also feel my brain functioning at such a higher capacity than usual. I want to give no weed a go

its tough for a couple weeks but after that the time flies by. i had been smoking on the daily for years and finally kicked the addiction this year, it's been life changing.

I feel like people get addicted to things when they take it to replace a feeling rather than just for recreational purposes