Me and one of my homeboys had a conversation this morning after they posted on they story a tweet of a man saying "niggas are scared of losing they virginity late but I promise Dark Souls is a lot more fun"

and under it he captioned if his 1st time wasn't "forced/pressured" into it, he'd probably still be a virgin today (we both in our mid-late twenties)

So, we proceed to have a conversation about the situation (cause I never knew this bout my nigga). And we came to an agreement that...as guys we don't really talk about this aspect of sexual assault with our niggas.

Most people would be like "he's a man, he really wanted it" and don't understand that men...we be having boundaries too. And it sucks when those don't get respected too.

Why don't we as men ever open up to our own niggas about this topic? (cause I feel the discussion starts at home first)

Cause we both concluded at the end that a lot of men's 1st times for the most part were probably a product of coercion or pressure if we go by the definition.

to any male victims outchea suffering in silence, just know you got love here man.

i think because we THINK we don’t mind -

i posted this in a thread before, but technically i was sexually assaulted (i guess) by a girl in my early 20s

i passed out drunk on my friends floor in his apartment and he had this girl come over he was f***ing with

she apparently brought a friend and i remember being woke up and led to a couch by this girl and she just started making out with me

never met or talked to her before in my life and we wound up hooking up but man if i was a girl and she was a dude, she’d be arrested by now lol

anyway, it doesn’t “hurt” me because i actually enjoyed hooking up lol

but when you think about it, it was an unwanted advance from a sober person (the girl) to a person who was extremely incoherent and drunk at the time (me)

definitely not cool, but since i didn’t mind, it’s not “bad” even though it technically is bad lol

I think due to embarrassment. Men are "supposed to have" an "I don't give a f*** about my emotions" type view on the world, which is f***ed up. It's also like that "toxic masculinity" thread.

It's cause if you're assaulted, people view it as non-masculine or less than being a man. Society will view it as you lost some of your masculinity letting that happen.

It's why rape is so weaponized in prison

Good point. It definitely is that "you're supposed to man up" type s*** that society puts pressure on us as men.

it's deadass normalized as a way that we have s***i think. and because of that, even if a guy is aware it happened to him, if he confides in his friends, they're just gonna shrug it off or laugh at it or something

the game is f***ed up man

Toxic masculinity mostly

But at the same time, feel like I probably wouldn’t give a s*** if someone just groped me or something whereas most women would be traumatized by such an action.

Think part of it is that men are less sensitive as a result of this gender norm culture but at the same time, there’s a lotta f***ed up s*** men are just taught to deal with and stay silent on

this is definitely true.

And also there's this....misconception that men are just like sexual gods that can just turn lil man on and stay on for hours and it's like....no.

I be wanting to come thru and chill too and just make out. I don't be wanting to do all that extra s*** sometimes.

(I think as men we can help by not putting extra sauce on our s*** when it comes to talkin bout the bodies we have. But women gotta also understand...every guy ain't built like that even if we are sexual beings)

Because people don't take it seriously. I was repeatedly sexually harrased by my ex and i told all my friends about it and niggas just laughed it off and made stupid comments like "i would have punched her" so that's why niggas stay silent about it cause no one wants to hear it and if they do the toxic masculinty s*** like "you're stronger than her,you should have fought her off or beat her" comes into play

Yep this 100%

in a way some women lowkey treat men like objects too, it goes both ways

we gotta be more open about this stuff and lowkey the virgin-shaming and the "i banged 5 different girls this week!" energy too, it's lowkey f***ed up

I’m sorry that happened to you @hotpancakes

@SonOfNkrumah

A lot of times, speaking from the “friends” perspective — they themselves don’t know the proper way to conduct themselves upon hearing this s***.

Something similar happened to my friend freshman year, and we all joked about it the next day or something. But a year or two later he brought it up again actually using the word “assault” or that he was taken advantage of — which is 100% true — I don’t even remember how I reacted because I know I didn’t react the “right” way. I probably acted awkward, said “yeah I still can’t believe that happened” and changed the subject

Typing this out I feel like a bad friend and a bad person but the truth is I (and the other friends being mentioned) are part of the problem because we’ve never been told how to or shown how to act as support for people that have been assaulted

Like bruh I know someone who said his girl used to wake him up with head but he tried doing that once to her and she said that was sexual assault cuz she was asleep

Men jus built different

Help me understand though, most men are much stronger than women? How do you get coerced into sex? Genuinely asking.

coercion isn't physical

It’s not about physical strength

There’s power dynamics and lack of balance in some way shape or form in any relationship (friends, more than friends, workplace, etc)

You make a good point that it also comes down to if the victim even wants to call what they did...that. Or just chalk it up to the game.

I'm sorry that happened to you, but it is a legitimate thing that the "victim" may not see themselves as a victim and as friends, we can't really pressure or coerce anybody into that as well.

@SonOfNkrumah people think because of physical differences that women can't be abusive. Which is the farthest thing from the truth. I'm sorry that happened to you man.

The double standard is apparent in relations between older women and younger men. I’ve mentioned this in another thread before, about a video from YouTuber dj ghost. He described a time when a much older woman molested him as a boy, which sounds highly traumatic and 100% unacceptable. But people commenting were saying they wished that happened to them, and he’s lucky etc

Wtf is wrong with them

Same reason why niggas don’t open up about getting they ass beat

Kinda off topic but I lost a fight to my female cousin after we got in an argument and she wanted to fight

She built like a taller young queen latifah and exercises a lot

She has 3 inches and a good 30-40 pounds on me tho.

Just think about how many big bodied women there are out here walking around these days

Better get in the boxing gym

I also think it’s important to note and recognize that people’s feelings and thoughts on an event can change and morph over time

Without being too specific — On prom night, I was asked to do something I was not comfortable with. I sorta did it but also didn’t. Mostly didn’t. Looking back on it, and now closer to a decade later, I wish I did the opposite of what I didn’t do. At the time, I was unhappy and really didn’t like the situation I was put in. And I’m still salty about how it unplayed, but my overall view has definitely shifted due to just having more experiences, being more mature, etc

This is a much more uh juvenile-ish scenario but speaks to the complexity of how we perceive events.

Double standards

Embarrassment or they just don’t mind. It’ll be kinda hard telling your boys that and have them take it seriously. Then I be seeing comments sometimes when a teacher f*** with a student where dudes were saying he’s lucky, they wish the teachers looked like that back then etc. comments like that. The way we view those things are really toxic.