Im so sorry for the people around me these days I get in these really bad moods and isolate myself from everyone and everything. Dont hit people back up anymore and s***. This girl called me out the blue yesterday while I was sitting in my car trying to come down from my high before going home and I was so anxiety filled and without any drive to speak it was horrible I told her I didnt have anything to say and made the whole call awkward as s*** I feel so bad because I was getting to know her and things were going fine I think she liked me but Im just not there as a person yet and I have to understand that before stepping into peoples lives.

I need some more time to myself I guess before I can function socially again after yasmine. It just gets difficult sometimes and I cant help it but seek some type of social interaction with somebody. But I cant put that weight on others, thats selfish and irresponsible of me.

But at the same time I told myself years ago Im willing to sacrifice every and anything in this world to achieve this pipedream of mine.

If being isolated, lonely and only focused on myself is going to benefit me in that then thats okay. Im not doing bad to the point where Id do something stupid. Every day I wake up with only one thing in mind and all this other s*** is just small potholes along the way, I hope. So I guess I could be worse. Im not locked in no cell, I got a roof over my head, I got food to eat and water to drink. Im okay. :) and I dont need anyone

why is it this b**** was so toxic to me and abusive and yet still there is a part of me that thinks "oh yea but I mean I guess thats what I needed"

f***. no. I pull good out of everything, I take every experience as a lesson, that dont mean the experience was good. However I know if she had not rejected me Id still let her abuse me the same way and run chasing after her. Im a f***ing mess and have been for years but Im getting better and I havent considered suicide in a while so thats great. Just a lot of s*** on my mind I have not coped with yet, knowingly.

I just pray I never fall for anybody ever again. Thats the only thing that can keep me from achieving my potential. Thats literally the only thing besides grave injury, natural disaster or death that can keep me from being who I always aspired to be.

That s*** will have me doing what is absolutely counter productive to my goal and in my mind itd make sense because Id justify it with love. But that s*** a sham to the fullest of extents. Jus a weird chemical reaction in your brain you could develop for anybody. Its not real and s*** is scary as f*** how it can literally take control over you. That is my biggest fear in life, falling in love again. I pray God keeps me far away from that.

next year I will inshallah look back at all this bullshit and realize how trivial and meaningless it all was. I need 2 projects to my name by then tho Im f***ing tired of sitting on s***. My patience running out lmao. I been at this for too long to let new people surpass me.

and i needa stop thinking about my ex that is over and done with i have to understand that finally. Every 6 months I be trying my luck like s*** has changed lmfao.

nah i have been putting cbd drops in my tea the last couple days to see how thats goes but not really interested in medication

plus i have no way to see a doctor due to lockdown

mashallah brother

It's hard to self love when nobody loves you . You constantly think that something is wrong with you and that there's a reason behind people not f***ing with you

I meant meditating broski

lmbo f*** im tired as s*** thot it said medications

yeah i meditate every night before i sleep, i do feel that it helps

feeling horrible horrible horrible horrible horrible

Sit down somewhere comportable man and just breathe easy. Whatever your facing you will conquer in time. The sun will come up tomorrow so don’t stress to much today

i don't care anymore. eventually ima off myself sometime down the line until then ima do me, unfiltered & honest as can be. i hope i make a decent life for myself before i go, not like it matters anyway. over this human s*** it wasn't ever meant for me & i wasn't ever meant for it

2.

I feel you on that bro, I really needa fix myself before bringing others into my life. I know ima just dissapoint people but its hard cus we all want socialization, anyway im talking to this girl (as far as I know we're just friends but I get the vibe zhe kinda likes me and I do too lowkey) but I know im not ready for none of that as a person yet cus I hate myself

Lotta things I regret but I just say I forget

@Creasy Way to air out all that negative energy brother. Exhale the bad and inhale the the positive joy of letting go of all that frustration. Hope you been feeling better after posting all that!

Dont say those kind of words man, dont even let yourself start to believe that whatever your feeling or facing cant be changed. We all hit rock bottom bro but we can always get back on our feet fam.

You wanna talk about anything?

Lately I’ve been doin too many things that make me unhappy, and my reasoning for doing them is cuz “it’s what i should be doing.” Gotta get outta this mentality

venting and self reflecting feels good, frustrating thing with that however is it usually creates more questions that I ask myself than answers but Im fortunate enough to be relatively healthy and in a better situation than some others so I cherish that and take that as my positive

see thats where I am at discord with myself. Most times I share the sentiments in the post I made and wanting to live in solitary same way you said it but then my mind entertains the idea that I could still benefit from putting effort into socializing and perhaps being fully reclusive is not the way to go. But then I try to initiate contact and later get in situations where I notice how inept I am currently and dont know what to do or just shut off completely. I have this weird dynamic in my head going over whether its best for me to stay on my solo dolo s*** or step out my comfort zone and open up myself again.

so yea I fully understand what you saying, still takin baby steps

Feel like utter s***