QrOv

5y

yep I’m out

QrOv

5y

yep I’m out

crinewinedining

5y

You got destroyed

ASAKI

5y

I respect you for having a good attitude about the s***posts tho @op

The metaphor is interesting, but the writing itself is very amateurish. When beginner writers focus on a metaphor or story they're trying to tell, they focus too much on the framing and pacing of the story, leading to their literary style to lack a bit. For instance, similes like "Like a leaf in the wind" are just very played out, and your sentence structures are pretty basic.

The main thing is the theme or metaphor. I don't understand the piece and what it's trying to convey. I understand you're trying to make it seem that it's the son having s***with the father, but it is in fact the mother doing so, with the son being a secondary character, but what's the point of the story? Is there a point? Am I missing it?

Dialogue also tends to be a sticking point for amateur writers. There's not a lot in the story, so it's easily fixable, but it seems stilted and unnatural to me.

Other than that, there's a decent amount of grammatical and spelling mistakes, but again, they're very fixable and I'm sure this was a draft.

You can take my advice with a grain of salt though. I haven't written stories in awhile, just a lot of essays.

rayray

5y

Sorry if I offended you In anyway. I like to approach my opponent with respect. Now that’s out the way.

1. Your in my thread
2. This thread is more interesting then anything of your s*** ideas that you came up with for a TV show
3. I am a prophet
4. Maybe I should write your obsession you have with me
5. Your insecure and it shows
6. You will never be spiritually smart to write the metaphors I write
7. Mods locked you for a reason. Your s*** is boring

rayray

5y

Sorry if I offended you In anyway. I like to approach my opponent with respect. Now that’s out the way.

1. Your in my thread
2. This thread is more interesting then anything of your s*** ideas that you came up with for a TV show
3. I am a prophet
4. Maybe I should write your obsession you have with me
5. Your insecure and it shows
6. You will never be spiritually smart to write the metaphors I write
7. Mods locked you for a reason. Your s*** is boring

new

5y

8. I am your OG and I will be respected as such

PUYOL2

5y

when op wins the the nobel prize in literature don’t act like day 1s itt

MM6 Moka

5y

Gon need an edit of the op replacing the word father with emery 2 expeditiously

Mitch Baker

5y

This is amazing writing OP ppl like to put walls around creativity which is apparent in this thread (the entire thing is a metaphor by the way)

rayray

5y

Sorry if I offended you In anyway. I like to approach my opponent with respect. Now that’s out the way.

1. Your in my thread
2. This thread is more interesting then anything of your s*** ideas that you came up with for a TV show
3. I am a prophet
4. Maybe I should write your obsession you have with me
5. Your insecure and it shows
6. You will never be spiritually smart to write the metaphors I write
7. Mods locked you for a reason. Your s*** is boring

Shockwave

5y

What is this metaphor you speak of?

doolcude

5y

"I was only 16, but I guess that's no excuse
My dad was in his 40s, lovely and loose"

rayray

5y

By the way. I’m a therapist on the side myself. So him assuming I need mental help really offended my spirit. I hate being rude with anyone but this is the beauty of writing therefore you shouldn’t try and limit what I speak on in my own thread

PainPapi

5y

Pulitzer Prize

rayray

5y

Thank you so much man. Yes this is a rough draft sorry. And to your next point yes I’m very new to this writing and I’m learning as I go. The point of the story is up to the reader. That’s the beauty of art. This story I purposely created for the reader to make his/her own ending. Grammatical errors are from rough draft and yes the writing is very vague and basic I’m aware. I’m working on creating a climax that emphasizes my ability to write more a***yst. I’m naturally a great a***ytical writer but I’m not so good on metaphor writing which is why I wanted to share this for criticism. My choice of words in the beginning is played out too which I’m aware but I thought having a good metaphor would out weigh it. Which it didn’t and now I know how to come correctly. Thank you for the advice and your participation in the thread. Much appreciated

rayray

5y

Thank you so much man. Yes this is a rough draft sorry. And to your next point yes I’m very new to this writing and I’m learning as I go. The point of the story is up to the reader. That’s the beauty of art. This story I purposely created for the reader to make his/her own ending. Grammatical errors are from rough draft and yes the writing is very vague and basic I’m aware. I’m working on creating a climax that emphasizes my ability to write more a***yst. I’m naturally a great a***ytical writer but I’m not so good on metaphor writing which is why I wanted to share this for criticism. My choice of words in the beginning is played out too which I’m aware but I thought having a good metaphor would out weigh it. Which it didn’t and now I know how to come correctly. Thank you for the advice and your participation in the thread. Much appreciated