CutiePieHole

6mo

Shes hilarioius

e t

6mo

Who Would Date Who If They All Met IRL

Based on: directed flirt language, unprompted defense, bicker-as-tension patterns, thread ships, and interaction chemistry across all 40 files.

ICEMAN PAPI DAVE x ET
The thread’s most obvious unresolved tension. ET calls him “my papi” and “missed you all day cabron.” Dave told her “I don’t usually do this unless I’m drunk or I’m high but I’m both right now and I need you in my life — 8am boss.” She asked him “wingstop date?” He responded by continuing to simp for her while pretending he wasn’t. This is a will-they-won’t-they that’s been running for two years and counting. They bicker enough to keep it interesting, flirt constantly, and have 133 documented disagreements which at this point is just foreplay.

Allison Wanderland x back 2 black
“Our chemistry is on point and plays to each other’s strengths.” Allison said this to back 2 black about a VZ. She was talking about a VZ. They interact with a warmth that’s different from how either of them interact with anyone else — collaborative, affirming, never actually beefing. Back 2 black’s most simped-on user. “I love you lmao — I love u more.” This is the thread’s slow burn that nobody talks about because it’s too wholesome to gossip about.

Nort x Sizzy
Data shows 263 documented disagreements — the third highest pair in the thread — but the energy is completely different from Nort’s other beefs. Sizzy checks in on him, calls him cute, has 187 @​mentions of @nort and 12 directed simp hits toward Nort specifically. He tells her she’s an angel. They fight constantly and then immediately reconcile. “Oh will you two shut up and get married already” — said by another poster, about them, unprompted. The thread has noticed.

Purrp x Bruises
“What do u expect… for us to take a leap together :/” sent by Purrp to Bruises during what appeared to be a music discussion. He was definitely not talking about music. Bruises has 7 simp hits toward Purrp, Purrp has consistent protective energy toward her, and they have a specific dynamic where he’s always slightly more invested than she lets on. “This is why you don’t date your band” — Purrp, to Bruises, about Paramore. She knew.

Kodak Spice x Tuneout
“But bro I luv u.” “I have a couple in me ;) I love 2 get on.” Kodak has 7 directed simp hits toward Tuneout — her highest single-target concentration outside COWBOY ARTIST. He simps back consistently. She’s the one who fell for Bruises’ pranks at a restaurant in the deep south for him. The energy is chaotic but there’s genuine warmth underneath it. Tuneout would be a stable, calming presence for someone who describes themselves as “a naturally crazy chaotic person.”

ICEMAN PAPI DAVE x Purrp
“Second date?” Dave asked Purrp after something that was apparently a first date situation. “Still love u.” “Luv u big bro.” Purrp: “no one understands me. He did for just a few moments.” This one’s complicated because Dave is clearly the more emotionally available one and Purrp oscillates between closeness and distance — but the thread ships them and the data backs it up with 22 ship-coded interactions.

Wesley x somebody who will never give him what he wants
The data shows Wesley directing flirt energy broadly — Sizzy, Mmm Hmm, MIXTAPEHNDRXXFREE — but nobody holds still long enough. “You’re pretty mean to me sometimes I’m not gonna lie, but I can appreciate and even respect where you’re coming from.” He said this to MIXTAPEHNDRXXFREE who had just been mean to him. This man is going to spend his entire life falling for people who are out of his league and posting about retiring as a coping mechanism.

COWBOY ARTIST x ET
“Would you marry me if I was serious? But it was a sexless marriage — yeah well, but we could see other people?” He asked her this. She considered it. He calls her “sweetheart” while proposing marriage terms. This would be a situationship that lasts exactly four months before ET leaves for someone taller and COWBOY ARTIST writes a very formal letter about it.

Allison Wanderland x saveme
saveme gets 20% of ALL of Allison’s @​mentions. Not a stat in this a***ysis, but a fact worth noting. “Oh will you two shut up and get married already” — Sizzy, about ET and saveme, but Allison was definitely also implicated. Her most consistent emotional investment in the thread outside of back 2 black. saveme is not in our files but his ghost is everywhere in hers.

HONORABLE MENTION: frenchpress x fuego
Both European. Both chaotic. Both have strong opinions about things nobody asked about. 191 interactions, 8 ship-coded exchanges, consistently in each other’s orbit. The data ships them even if neither would admit it. This would be a short intense relationship that ends badly and they’d both insist it was fine.

e t

6mo

Who Would Date Who If They All Met IRL

Based on: directed flirt language, unprompted defense, bicker-as-tension patterns, thread ships, and interaction chemistry across all 40 files.

ICEMAN PAPI DAVE x ET
The thread’s most obvious unresolved tension. ET calls him “my papi” and “missed you all day cabron.” Dave told her “I don’t usually do this unless I’m drunk or I’m high but I’m both right now and I need you in my life — 8am boss.” She asked him “wingstop date?” He responded by continuing to simp for her while pretending he wasn’t. This is a will-they-won’t-they that’s been running for two years and counting. They bicker enough to keep it interesting, flirt constantly, and have 133 documented disagreements which at this point is just foreplay.

Allison Wanderland x back 2 black
“Our chemistry is on point and plays to each other’s strengths.” Allison said this to back 2 black about a VZ. She was talking about a VZ. They interact with a warmth that’s different from how either of them interact with anyone else — collaborative, affirming, never actually beefing. Back 2 black’s most simped-on user. “I love you lmao — I love u more.” This is the thread’s slow burn that nobody talks about because it’s too wholesome to gossip about.

Nort x Sizzy
Data shows 263 documented disagreements — the third highest pair in the thread — but the energy is completely different from Nort’s other beefs. Sizzy checks in on him, calls him cute, has 187 @​mentions of @nort and 12 directed simp hits toward Nort specifically. He tells her she’s an angel. They fight constantly and then immediately reconcile. “Oh will you two shut up and get married already” — said by another poster, about them, unprompted. The thread has noticed.

Purrp x Bruises
“What do u expect… for us to take a leap together :/” sent by Purrp to Bruises during what appeared to be a music discussion. He was definitely not talking about music. Bruises has 7 simp hits toward Purrp, Purrp has consistent protective energy toward her, and they have a specific dynamic where he’s always slightly more invested than she lets on. “This is why you don’t date your band” — Purrp, to Bruises, about Paramore. She knew.

Kodak Spice x Tuneout
“But bro I luv u.” “I have a couple in me ;) I love 2 get on.” Kodak has 7 directed simp hits toward Tuneout — her highest single-target concentration outside COWBOY ARTIST. He simps back consistently. She’s the one who fell for Bruises’ pranks at a restaurant in the deep south for him. The energy is chaotic but there’s genuine warmth underneath it. Tuneout would be a stable, calming presence for someone who describes themselves as “a naturally crazy chaotic person.”

ICEMAN PAPI DAVE x Purrp
“Second date?” Dave asked Purrp after something that was apparently a first date situation. “Still love u.” “Luv u big bro.” Purrp: “no one understands me. He did for just a few moments.” This one’s complicated because Dave is clearly the more emotionally available one and Purrp oscillates between closeness and distance — but the thread ships them and the data backs it up with 22 ship-coded interactions.

Wesley x somebody who will never give him what he wants
The data shows Wesley directing flirt energy broadly — Sizzy, Mmm Hmm, MIXTAPEHNDRXXFREE — but nobody holds still long enough. “You’re pretty mean to me sometimes I’m not gonna lie, but I can appreciate and even respect where you’re coming from.” He said this to MIXTAPEHNDRXXFREE who had just been mean to him. This man is going to spend his entire life falling for people who are out of his league and posting about retiring as a coping mechanism.

COWBOY ARTIST x ET
“Would you marry me if I was serious? But it was a sexless marriage — yeah well, but we could see other people?” He asked her this. She considered it. He calls her “sweetheart” while proposing marriage terms. This would be a situationship that lasts exactly four months before ET leaves for someone taller and COWBOY ARTIST writes a very formal letter about it.

Allison Wanderland x saveme
saveme gets 20% of ALL of Allison’s @​mentions. Not a stat in this a***ysis, but a fact worth noting. “Oh will you two shut up and get married already” — Sizzy, about ET and saveme, but Allison was definitely also implicated. Her most consistent emotional investment in the thread outside of back 2 black. saveme is not in our files but his ghost is everywhere in hers.

HONORABLE MENTION: frenchpress x fuego
Both European. Both chaotic. Both have strong opinions about things nobody asked about. 191 interactions, 8 ship-coded exchanges, consistently in each other’s orbit. The data ships them even if neither would admit it. This would be a short intense relationship that ends badly and they’d both insist it was fine.

Purrp

6mo

He swears he’s a sophisticated gooner

He no better than us

wey

6mo

Dude acts like they’re about to read his true thoughts if he puts them itt

Nort

6mo

purrp x nort not mentioned? whole list is a wash.

rvi

6mo

im in a retiring phase so yeah im better

Like a Camillimane

6mo

shh.. shh... israel is watching i dont wanna tag but we both know who

wey

6mo

@Extraterrestrial as a huge Israel fan I will let you see this

wey

6mo

Married man being on here is crazy!

Tuneout

6mo

review out by purrp in literally 15-20 seconds

Nort

6mo

is ET the only user currently married itt?

e t

6mo

Who Would Date Who If They All Met IRL

Based on: directed flirt language, unprompted defense, bicker-as-tension patterns, thread ships, and interaction chemistry across all 40 files.

ICEMAN PAPI DAVE x ET
The thread’s most obvious unresolved tension. ET calls him “my papi” and “missed you all day cabron.” Dave told her “I don’t usually do this unless I’m drunk or I’m high but I’m both right now and I need you in my life — 8am boss.” She asked him “wingstop date?” He responded by continuing to simp for her while pretending he wasn’t. This is a will-they-won’t-they that’s been running for two years and counting. They bicker enough to keep it interesting, flirt constantly, and have 133 documented disagreements which at this point is just foreplay.

Allison Wanderland x back 2 black
“Our chemistry is on point and plays to each other’s strengths.” Allison said this to back 2 black about a VZ. She was talking about a VZ. They interact with a warmth that’s different from how either of them interact with anyone else — collaborative, affirming, never actually beefing. Back 2 black’s most simped-on user. “I love you lmao — I love u more.” This is the thread’s slow burn that nobody talks about because it’s too wholesome to gossip about.

Nort x Sizzy
Data shows 263 documented disagreements — the third highest pair in the thread — but the energy is completely different from Nort’s other beefs. Sizzy checks in on him, calls him cute, has 187 @​mentions of @nort and 12 directed simp hits toward Nort specifically. He tells her she’s an angel. They fight constantly and then immediately reconcile. “Oh will you two shut up and get married already” — said by another poster, about them, unprompted. The thread has noticed.

Purrp x Bruises
“What do u expect… for us to take a leap together :/” sent by Purrp to Bruises during what appeared to be a music discussion. He was definitely not talking about music. Bruises has 7 simp hits toward Purrp, Purrp has consistent protective energy toward her, and they have a specific dynamic where he’s always slightly more invested than she lets on. “This is why you don’t date your band” — Purrp, to Bruises, about Paramore. She knew.

Kodak Spice x Tuneout
“But bro I luv u.” “I have a couple in me ;) I love 2 get on.” Kodak has 7 directed simp hits toward Tuneout — her highest single-target concentration outside COWBOY ARTIST. He simps back consistently. She’s the one who fell for Bruises’ pranks at a restaurant in the deep south for him. The energy is chaotic but there’s genuine warmth underneath it. Tuneout would be a stable, calming presence for someone who describes themselves as “a naturally crazy chaotic person.”

ICEMAN PAPI DAVE x Purrp
“Second date?” Dave asked Purrp after something that was apparently a first date situation. “Still love u.” “Luv u big bro.” Purrp: “no one understands me. He did for just a few moments.” This one’s complicated because Dave is clearly the more emotionally available one and Purrp oscillates between closeness and distance — but the thread ships them and the data backs it up with 22 ship-coded interactions.

Wesley x somebody who will never give him what he wants
The data shows Wesley directing flirt energy broadly — Sizzy, Mmm Hmm, MIXTAPEHNDRXXFREE — but nobody holds still long enough. “You’re pretty mean to me sometimes I’m not gonna lie, but I can appreciate and even respect where you’re coming from.” He said this to MIXTAPEHNDRXXFREE who had just been mean to him. This man is going to spend his entire life falling for people who are out of his league and posting about retiring as a coping mechanism.

COWBOY ARTIST x ET
“Would you marry me if I was serious? But it was a sexless marriage — yeah well, but we could see other people?” He asked her this. She considered it. He calls her “sweetheart” while proposing marriage terms. This would be a situationship that lasts exactly four months before ET leaves for someone taller and COWBOY ARTIST writes a very formal letter about it.

Allison Wanderland x saveme
saveme gets 20% of ALL of Allison’s @​mentions. Not a stat in this a***ysis, but a fact worth noting. “Oh will you two shut up and get married already” — Sizzy, about ET and saveme, but Allison was definitely also implicated. Her most consistent emotional investment in the thread outside of back 2 black. saveme is not in our files but his ghost is everywhere in hers.

HONORABLE MENTION: frenchpress x fuego
Both European. Both chaotic. Both have strong opinions about things nobody asked about. 191 interactions, 8 ship-coded exchanges, consistently in each other’s orbit. The data ships them even if neither would admit it. This would be a short intense relationship that ends badly and they’d both insist it was fine.

Purrp

6mo

Elite gooner brain rot knowledge

Like a Camillimane

6mo

davey and @op

Nort

6mo

is ET the only user currently married itt?

Like a Camillimane

6mo

@YungPapi and @aeiou

CINEMA

Nort

6mo

davey?

Nort

6mo

davey?

Like a Camillimane

6mo

dave has kids as well u forget he's a functioning man

Like a Camillimane

6mo

dave has kids as well u forget he's a functioning man

wey

6mo

Davey isn’t married @Camille

CutiePieHole

6mo

wait

Like a Camillimane

6mo

dave is married bro