I love Tito like everyone else but this AI slop is making my brain hurt

I like an espresso based drink but spending >$5 on that s*** is ridiculous. It costs cents to make it yourself

Bloke

So are you

One of the best threads of the year

master chef
food critic
doesn’t know what a cappuccino is

Such a hilarious bit tbh

It’s not for everyone but mofos be looking weak to me when they can’t even drink a cup once in a while lol my gateway to it was “Café de olla” that s*** right there is black coffee pretty much but with cane sugar and it’s fire af not everybody knows how to make it but when I go to Mexico it never misses I have never tried it here in the states don’t wanna ruin that special taste I have for it

McDonald’s black coffe kinda good also they have ruined my order so many times and have gave me black coffee straight up on many occasions lmao

Don’t like black coffee huh?

You prefer some cream wit ya beans, huh?

I'm a master chef. And I'm a very good food critic.

I've been all over the United States trying wonderful food, and making top tier dishes as well. But I'll admit, when it comes to whipping up a grand cup of coffee, my results are sporadic.

Some days I make the best coffee in the world. I love the chocolatey flavor of a well-made coffee.

But some days, I don't understand how sugar makes the damn thing taste worse.

In the end, it's all the luck of the draw and the spin of the wrist, I suppose.

Just the other day, I sat across from a magazine editor, pitching my television show starring the #1 food critics in Chicago and the city's finest restaurants, while drinking one of the most wonderful coffees I've had to date.

You see, when I arrived to the coffee shop where our meeting took place, I took one look at the menu and saw that I wouldn't be able to do this alone: I needed ChatGPT to tell me what the heck I was looking at.

Cappucino. Latte. Ristretto. Macchiato. Cortado. Matcha. Mocha. Cafe Au Lait.

What the hell were these? Sure, I can give you the run down on the difference between a Persian entree and a Nigerian specialty dish, and I'll always recommend a traditional Indian cuisine for brunch instead of the American kind. But when it comes to coffee, well hell, I just brew the damn beans, put in that Hazelnut CoffeeMate creamer, and go on about my day. None of these "titles" gave me the slightest clue what type of coffee I was about to order. Well, if it wasn't for Starbucks' mocha frappes that I love, I'd be totally lost.

So I asked ChatGPT: "what is the best coffee? I like something chocolatey. I have a menu in front of me, but I only ever make my own coffee".

Its answer? "If we're ranking specifically for someone who likes chocolatey coffee, mocha is #1 by a mile."

And that was a grand plan. Because that mocha with oat milk is now my #1 go-to. It's so much chocolatey goodness, I'd bet it has no health benefit at all. But damn it, that's my choice.

Fast forward to this morning, when I was invited to a coffee tasting at a local coffee shop. Our task was to taste some of the new flavors the shop was offering. Here's what I found out:

I think I f***ing hate coffee.

I learned that coffee--or I suppose black coffee--tastes nothing like chocolate, not even a little bit. Maybe I don't even like coffee at all. Maybe I just like creamer.

I sat with a group of maybe fifty people this morning, led by an awesome instructor and shop owner who was extremely eloquent in her dissertations of the coffee she brewed up for the class. She loved telling stories about her history with the brew, where it came from, and why it was this week's choice for critique, but you know what? When she passed around the first cups for tasting, it just tasted damn bitter.

That was expected. But the second cup tasted bitter and bleh as well. I mean, much better than the first cup, but this coffee tasted just as I expected--NOT MY TYPE.

Now I'm not saying the coffee was bad, per se. I'm just saying that I can't tell, because the brew with no sugar, no cream, no nothing all taste like a bitter mess that left me with stink face the entire time.

The rest of the class seemed to share none of my sentiments. They boasted about how the tastes and aromas were "nutty" like almonds, or how they could simply just tell how the beans and brew originated from countries like Rwanda or Ecuador, or Hawaii (including a quip about how someone believed for most of their lives that Hawaii was located in the northern United States, just outside of Washington state).

What? Well the only word I learned that day was "acidic", because that's how the espresso shot tasted! Like damn acid!

My ideal coffee tastes like a mature, adult beverage. Like a yummy, chocolate, hot, creamy, liquid dessert of a drink that could wake you up in the morning or put you to sleep at night. Where a sniff could send your mind into focus mode, and a good brew with the right additions can make even the youngest enthusiasts feel like a grown up with s*** to do.

But what I learned today is that... coffee and cocoa beans taste nothing like chocolate at all! It makes sense, because that's the exact reason I've avoided black coffee this entire time!

No, I have to do my research, because by itself, black coffee is just simply bitter and acidic. I’m having my doubts that coffee is closely related to chocolate at all—and I'm standing on that hill. My curiosity to discover the world of coffee took a big detour today--because while the experience was profound enough to make me write about my love for coffee, it was also educational enough for me to know that I only love coffee when it has the right milk or creamer.

I've heard "black coffee"--what they call coffee with no sugar and no creamer--is an acquired taste, but... leave me out of it, fam.

I don't think I like coffee. I think I like creamer. If you're ever down to share a cup of mocha with oat milk, bet I'll be the first one there. But trust me, as a coffee connoisseur, I think I've acquired my taste, and it requires a damn good creamer.

Adieu.

I love black coffee but I used to be a chain smoker working in a cafe with a s***ty boss. All my lunch breaks looked like this but with black coffee in my hand as well

New update in OP

damn that’s sad

i was a manager at one Starbucks and my breaks were smoking my bowl and getting head from my girl who was a supervisor lmfao

a bad boss can really change your experience in a coffee shop. this was me after i transferred to the next store after that, but with a quad espresso and a j