Could you beat up a bear?

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stanley

Dec 1, 2020

Kr0niic

Gang arguing, walking into Paddy's pub early afternoon
Mac: Guys, you're acting like like I'm supposed to be embarrassed. And please don't misrepresent my argument. It's not that I could just walk up and beat a bear. It's that, in a life or death scenario, there is no way I would let a bear kill me.
Dennis: Are you kidding me, Mac? You don't have near the reflexes, dexterity, or mental acuity to tackle a full-grown Grizzly bear, not even a diminutive black bear. See Mac, it takes more than brawn for that kind of matchup, you need brains, like me. Not even the pure, impotent rage of closeted homosexuality could put you close to being a worthy opponent of the lowest Ursidae
Charlie: Oh what the blacks bear's the weakest? Sounds a lil prejudice Dennis, a liiiil prejudice.
Dennis: Bears don't have ethnicities Charlie, black bears are just some of the smaller varieties of bear, you goddamn moron
D: That's not true Charlie, he doesn't hate bears. I've seen Dennis with a few bears. Bears need love too, isn't that right, Dennis?
Charlie: You know man, when you think about it, bears are kinda like really big, angry dogs that just bully honeybees.
D: Shut up Charlie
Charlie: What? That was good!
D: I was making a gay joke and...goddamnit, Charlie.
Charlie: Pick on someone your own size, bears!
Mac: Yeah, like me flexing and posing in the backbar mirror
Dennis: Hilarious, big thanks to the dipshit peanut gallery, don't you two have some gas to be huffing, people to stalk and subsequently date-rape? You two deserve a veritable Fields medal in stupidity.
D: Look who's talking
Dennis: We don't all need a pharmaceutical size bottle of roofies to get laid, D.
D: Pft I don't need roofies to get laid, that was like...one time D suddenly goes silent and slightly uncomfortable, scratching her neck
Frank, staggering in: Bears? What the hell ya talkin about bears for?
Dennis: Mac's stupid enough to think he would be able to survive a bear attack.
Mac: Hah. Or, on the other hand, Dennis is stupid enough to think I can't.
Frank: Stop talking about bears! They're filthy, filthy, violent animals!
Dennis: Frank settle down, we're just shooting the s***.
Frank: I hate bears, I hate em!!
Mac: Frank, chill out man
Frank: No bears, NO BEARS Frank's internal flashback starts, Frank as a child, working in the Russian circus with a bear he was best friends with, eventually showing the bear shot, then made into stew, followed by an awkward pause from the Gang as Frank snaps out of the flashback yelling, "I don't want bear stew!"
Mac: You know what? Let's settle this! Business hasn't been exactly booming lately, let's get a bear, like one of the ones from the Russian circus. We can sell tickets for me to fight it!
Dennis: Mac, what the hell are you talking about? Dude, you will die
Charlie: Yeah, one with a cute hat and vest!
Mac: Clear out the tables and chairs, set up a little ring in the middle of the pub, make flyers. I'll wrestle a goddamn bear Dennis, I'm no pansy boy, not like you!
D: You know Dennis, it might not be a bad idea
Mac: Cmon man, I know some Russian guys in South Philly, they'd know where to get a bear!
Charlie: Yeah man, we'd make some good money and might finally get to see Mac get his d*** ripped off.
Dennis: You know...this may be the best good idea you've had Mac, maybe the only one, it'd be great publicity for the bar.
Mac: Exactly! It'll be like interspecies wrestling
Charlie: Like beastiality?
Mac: What?
Dennis: And of course, I'd get a majority percentage of the take, for coming up with the idea, procuring the bear, designing and marketing the event, making sure it's safe, getting the tranquilizer darts.
Frank: NO! NO BEARS IN MY BAR, THIS AINT NO BEAR BAR, IT'S A PEOPLE BAR
Charlie: Frank chill out man you're kinda freaking out
Frank: PEOPLE DON'T LEAVE YOU, THEY DON'T BREAK YOUR HEART. BUT BEARS? BEARS??
The gang look conspiratorially at each other as Frank continues to shout and dissociate, theme music plays, episode title appears: The Gang Gets a Bear