Cats

4y

to reach out to anyone that cares about Cats. this is a note i found in his desktop.

Today's the day I commit suicide. I'm not using the unreliable hanging method I've been using for the past year and a half but I've found a new method an it'll 100% kill me.

I remember my first suicidal thoughts being from age 12. Was bullied and had no friends, home life was awful, and did nothing but stay in my room all day away from people because thats what I wanted. I'm still like this, just without the bullying part. I dont get along with my father, who I barely see anyway, I dont talk to any of my siblings, and just sort of stay to myself. Most of it sounds self inflicted, and I guess it is, but it's hard to branch out to people when you've been abused and rejected from people your entire life.

I never started college because I dont have a passion. My only passion is music. Maybe I could go to music school but that'd degree would be worthless and just a waste of money. School was never my thing. I almost dropped out of high school and had really bad attendance, despite me graduating with a 2.9 which I guess isn't that bad for showing up 2 times a week. I told myself if I ever started college i'd try my absolute hardest, but I never started. I never really saw a future for myself, so I never bothered.

Everything I put my mind to I failed. I failed at going semi pro in overwatch because I didn't put the time in and didn't think I was good enough. I've played fps games my whole life so It's expected of me to be top tier at them. I failed at doing well in school. I was too depressed and anxious to even show up. I never did the work and only did well in tests. I failed at getting better mentally. It's been a year and the only progress I made is with my anxiety. My bipolar is still just as bad as it was before. I can't think of a single great achievement I made that I can seriously be proud of. I just cant accept that

I'm just a repulsive person which is why everyone ends up dropping me in the end. Over the last 6 years I've went through friend group after friend group and they all ostracize me. Obviously I'm the issue. I'm the one who has problems. Not to mention just individual people deciding to part ways with me. I'm just not made for people, and there's people all around me. I dont wanna live in a world like that. Most of the times I'm okay with it but the times I'm not it really kills me.

I've been feeling this way for way too long now. 8 years. I've been through maybe 8 or 9 serious attempts, and plenty of "half attempts". Death hasn't scared me for a while now, and it's gotten to the point where pain doesn't really scare me. I'm not sure if this method I'm using is gonna be painful or not but I just hope it's quick. I'm not going into details cause I know thats not allowed. Everyone dies, it's something you can't escape.

I've been apart of this thread for a little more than 2 years and posted in it very frequently over that time and everyone has always been helpful and kind towards me. Thanks to everyone to read my posts and especially those to replied to them trying to help me out when I was feeling the way I was. I hope all of you guys find actual happiness and meaning one day because no one deserves to live like this.

This has been planned for weeks beforehand, and I've written this about 3 or 4 weeks before I've done it. If you've read to this part, first of all thanks, but chances are im probably already unconscious or gone by now. I dont think I'm gonna read any replies to this, maybe that'll change. As I said I wrote this weeks before the actual attempt.

I'm sorry to all those I've hurt. I don't mean any harm. I'm not an aggressive person. I try my hardest not to be. I'm just not good with people. I never was. I thought I was getting better with people but I was just going in a different direction. I'm especially sorry if this act hurts anybody. I've already written an individual letter to my mom which is the only person I can say has been on my side continuously.

LD

4y

thanks for posting this, gives some closure

wish you were still alive and still here man, i miss you

rest easy

snowchild

4y

wow this just made me so lightheaded i almost wanted to faint while reading it (im alright tho)
love you so much cats i know you're not in pain now your soul was so beautiful

EuroNymous

4y

i had really good talk with him couple months ago advising him on his first trip on acid

maybe was it wrong thing to say, acid isn't good thing to take if your feeling suicidal

f*** man