i will probably be bullied here for making this thread, my life is a complete mess

my father died 10 years ago when I was 17, and now im making the same mistakes he's making, im living alone because I have a toxic relationship with my mother, I studied cinema and arts, even directed some music videos and worked in television for I don't know how many years, now I lost my job and im almost without money and I just don't know what to do anymore, anytime I have any money I spend it stupidly on futile things or d**** that make things feel a little better for a while but I always end up worse

I tried therapy and It didn't work, I'm in love with this girl and we are dating, but even with her I'm fighting my urge to not do self-destructive things like cheating on her just to feel something more.

My house is f***ing disgusting, my life is terrible, the girl that I love will probably see that I'm a mess eventually, I'm in deep pain, I'm almost broke, and I can barely talk to my mother.

Everybody see's me smiling and I dress fresh and look good, so they think im doing ok. In reality I'm a f***ing mess, I have a Mac Miller tattoo on my arm and on the other one I have written "I feel like that" in reference to the Kanye song.

Even here I get too emotional about things. I can't get a f***ing job, because at my area everybody now asks for a driver's license and I don't have one because im anxious, I'm giving up on life.

I'm writing this here don't really know why, maybe somebody has a similar story or I hear something that makes me feel a little bit better.

I'm desperate, I don't have strength to leave the f***ing couch anymore most of the time.

Update:

17/1/2020

since someone bumped this thread, I would like to say my life is a lot better now...

I started a new job, almost finished my drivers license and me and my girl are still in a strong loving relationship , thank you all for your support

If this ain’t a pasta you just gotta stick it out homie

life is all about crests and falls and one without the other isn’t possible

you got a girl that you love and a mother that probably cares regardless of your relationship. just ride it out and a crest will come

this isn't a pasta , I've posted about my Mac miller tattoo before here and some users know about it for example

its almost impossible for me to talk with my mother most of my issues come from her , and my family isn't really tight like that

I can pretend for a while that my anxiety isn't who I am, and people f*** with me , but then I get to my hole again and can't talk to nobody

I only live alone because I can't live with my mother ( I live alone since im 21 )

I've been googling how to make money online but its all scams nothing real , I'm a designer and I do music videos and I can't f***ing find nobody that wants to work with me anymore ( that pays decently at least )

Give yourself more time for yourself

That helps my anxiety a lot. Just a day where you do something that takes your mind off everything and everyone

I’ll just drive out to a nice place and look at a cool view and legit do nothing for the whole day

Don't give up on life OP. You going through tough times but don't let those define you. You probably got a lot of great qualities and skills that you can't see rn because you're hurting. What kinda therapy did you go to?

if youre gonna cheat just break up with her. simple.

in love
wants to cheat to feel more
thats not love brother sorry

that's the problem man, what helped with my anxiety was actually working , after I lost my job ( I wasn't fired , the show I was working on ended and we all lost our jobs )

I started doing that ( going out , seeing sights , going places with my girl )

but now I can't do any of those things anymore because I can't find a f***ing job and I have no money , im about to lose my house and have nowhere to go

I won't cheat on her ,

it's auto destructive behavior that I can't explain

I feel like doing things that will destroy me because I hate myself so much

she's the only that helps me right now, and I don't know why I have those thoughts

Tough spot

You can always resort to doordash/skipthedishes type s*** if you really strapped for cash, I’m pretty sure they hire everyone. So long as you have some kind of ID and like a bike or sumn

Keep looking though

mental illness isnt an excuse for poor behaviour

both psychiatrists or psychologists, I took pills they gave me also but It didn't help only made me numb

so if my order takes 10 mins by car to deliver
i cant imagine waiting for someone on a bike lol ngl

lots do it in downtown areas of big cities

biking usually faster than a car ride within the first 15ish mins

look , I know I have urges but im trying my best to not to do them , im looking for help If you want to keep trolling go on, I already explained myself

How long did you go to therapy for?

so you can't ever get your driver's license? There's gotta be some jobs that don't require it

almost 3 years , tried different people

im not trying to troll

what kind of pills did they give you?

live ur life for juice wrld

ah yeah i forgot you can choose which order you want

im trying to get it now , but its expensive here ... already went to 3 job interviews last week in my area all asked for a drivers license, and a minimum wage job isn't a option for where I live or I wont be able to pay my house

imo your girl can give you better advice than us, but thats if shes even listening to what you say