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  • Sep 12, 2021

    I really need to get out of my own head. I keep letting my insecurities poke at me when my mind wanders. But what are you meant to do to stop that? I guess mindfulness and stuff like that but idk I have never been able to do it properly or consistently.

    I feel like I’m never going to find someone who I can really connect with. Maybe I’ll fall in love one day but I don’t think the type of love that I’m idealising is possible for me.

    My libido is basically non existent right now for some reason. So that’s not good either. Probably should go to a doctor about that.

    Family problems but what else is new.

  • Sep 12, 2021
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    1 reply

    And I had a crush and I’m sad because she doesn’t like me back. I’ve completely given up hope now but it still hurts. I guess that’s a loser thing to do but I don’t really care. She’s not single, but even if she was I don’t think I’d have the courage to face that rejection. It would have destroyed me. Yeah maybe that makes me a loser but whatever it still hurts.

  • Sep 12, 2021
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    2 replies

    I suppose ultimately my biggest problem is deep rooted insecurity. I’ll never feel like I’m good enough, or that what I have is good enough. I’ll always fixate on my own shortcomings over everything else. I’ll never believe that other people are being genuine towards me.

  • Sep 12, 2021

    I don't know if those feelings ever go away, I feel like it's just down to how you handle them

  • Sep 12, 2021

    I think that over time with actively working towards it it gets better, but circumstances will always come up to make you feel that way

  • Sep 12, 2021
    Grif

    I suppose ultimately my biggest problem is deep rooted insecurity. I’ll never feel like I’m good enough, or that what I have is good enough. I’ll always fixate on my own shortcomings over everything else. I’ll never believe that other people are being genuine towards me.

    Yo take it one day at a time man. Life is difficult. But realistically the future is something to focus on, rather than dwelling on the past and trying to change things you can't.

  • Sep 16, 2021

    @DAVIDP @Semiredacted i forgot to reply but thank you for your advice. I really appreciate it.

  • Sep 16, 2021

    The worst part about trying to come out of your shell for the first time in a while is that when you get stung it hurts so much more.

    Someone from my job asked if I wanted to go out for drinks with them and a few others. Cool, I get along with them and it’ll be a nice time. Then I ask the day after if that’s still happening - they say “oh maybe I’m not sure.” Ok. I ask on the day we had planned - “are we going?” - the answer was no. Whatever, it’s no big deal. Then today I find out they went out without me.

    Ok cool, you can do whatever, but I feel completely blindsided by it. Why invite me and then dub me? Why not be upfront and tell me you’re going without me? Why not make up an excuse about why I can’t go, or do anything else? Why lie about it so blatantly when I was obviously going to find out? I don’t trust easily and it’s exactly because of s*** like that. I was resisting opening myself up and taking risks but I thought, “hey worst case scenario they don’t want to go out with me after all.” But I guess in my head, I thought it would be pretty obvious and straightforward. Not this sneaky s***.

    My instincts are screaming at me to lockdown again. F*** other people. I don’t need them. I’m better than them. A small part of me is whispering “why not take it a step further? You already know that you’re so much better than them. Just kill yourself. There’s no reason to continue trying.” I know the reality is that I have to get up and dust myself off and put my fists up again like Rocky. But for what? So I can get knocked down again, and again, and again, and then get up and smile and say “I didn’t let it beat me?” Well who cares? Why should I? I’m not going to get any validation or praise for it.

  • Sep 16, 2021

    Maybe one day I’ll get enough validation that my brain will stop whispering at me to kill myself. Maybe one day I’ll be able to control my emotions enough that dumb s*** doesn’t send me spiralling into depression. Maybe one day I’ll wake up feeling content with what I have. But if that never happens, am I going to still pick myself up from the ground everyday and put my fists up? Yeah. Because that’s what you’re supposed to do, right?

  • Sep 16, 2021

    I thought maybe I could live a “normal” life. Maybe I can just push a little bit outside my comfort zone and grasp on to what everyone else seems to have. Maybe I can make emotional connections too. Why not? Am I really so different? Sure I might be a lil ugly, but I’m a good person at my core right? So eventually, things are bound to work out in my favour? Right?

  • Sep 16, 2021

    I’m going back to getting dubbed.

    I’m capable of understanding that there’s a range of reasons why you would go out with me, and maybe you felt that I was putting you in an awkward position that you didn’t want to blatantly say “we are going out without you.” But you understand that means I am no longer cool with you? Unless you would like to explain it. But as far as I’m concerned, there’s nothing there worth fixing. I’m not going to try and regain some kind of pride by asking for an explanation. I would rather just stay out of your way. I’m not putting anymore energy into this because it’s already ruminating in my mind enough.

  • Sep 16, 2021

    I’m sad because I feel like we had a relatively straightforward relationship. We work together a lot and are work friends. That doesn’t mean we would be friends if we didn’t work together, and it doesn’t mean we should interact outside of work. But if you want to, then cool, I’m always up for being social since I’m so bad at it.

    Why go out of your way to ask me if want to go out if you don’t actually want to? What’s the point? And now I feel like it’s poisoned the small work-friendship we had. Why would you do that? If we aren’t friends then we aren’t friends, but I know the next time I see them it’s going to be some fake friendly bullshit. And because I lack confidence I’ll go along with it and it will annoy me. And I’ll go home and be mad about it. So wtf are we doing??

  • Sep 16, 2021

    I’ve been lying here for 40mins. I can’t get up. I need to eat and go to the gym but I can’t get up. I can’t even get up and my earphones in. I can’t drink anything. I just want to lie here. Maybe if I lie here long enough everything will make sense to me.

    So, what am I going to do? Buy into the ratrace even further? Keep striving to make friends and find love? Or do I try and find alternative validation? Maybe spirituality? Or money? Or maybe I should become an activist, or a musician? Or a boxer? Or maybe I should just kill myself. That sounds like the simplest option.

    I’m not suicidal, if anyone’s reading this. I’m more aspirational for suicide. I’ll never do it though, I promise. That’s why I’m allowed to talk about it like that.

  • Sep 16, 2021

    Been down so long that it look like up to me

  • Sep 16, 2021
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    1 reply

    Your thoughts don’t define who you are: it’s what you do that makes you the man. I’ve been struggling with living in my head my entire life from ptsd and moving out has slowly started to unfold how my thinking and high self standards were getting in the way of enjoying myself and living life fully.

    Like the answer is always gonna be within you, but it requires a lot of applying yourself and getting comfortable with being uncomfortable if that makes sense. It can be hard because sometimes certain thought patterns can get in the way of you doing what you know is best for yourself. Those thought patterns are conditioned into you and do not define your sense of self.

    I cannot emphasize enough that the answer is in you (as it is with everyone else), and that it’s going to require baby steps and applying yourself each day to start making progress with processing and sorting your emotions. If you start now, you’ll thank yourself a month from now, a half year from now, a whole year from now, and years to come.

  • Sep 16, 2021
    a0n5sjo9js

    Your thoughts don’t define who you are: it’s what you do that makes you the man. I’ve been struggling with living in my head my entire life from ptsd and moving out has slowly started to unfold how my thinking and high self standards were getting in the way of enjoying myself and living life fully.

    Like the answer is always gonna be within you, but it requires a lot of applying yourself and getting comfortable with being uncomfortable if that makes sense. It can be hard because sometimes certain thought patterns can get in the way of you doing what you know is best for yourself. Those thought patterns are conditioned into you and do not define your sense of self.

    I cannot emphasize enough that the answer is in you (as it is with everyone else), and that it’s going to require baby steps and applying yourself each day to start making progress with processing and sorting your emotions. If you start now, you’ll thank yourself a month from now, a half year from now, a whole year from now, and years to come.

    I feel like I’ve only become more unstable over the years. It’s like I’m climbing a ladder and every time I get higher it just means the next fall will hurt even more. I’ve recognised that I have a serious problem for years, but I can’t fix it. All I can do is try.

  • Sep 17, 2021

    Today I still feel hurt but it isn’t as bad. I just don’t know if I can face working with these people for much longer. It all feels so fake.

  • Sep 17, 2021
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    1 reply

    Respect for being vulnerable

  • Grif

    And I had a crush and I’m sad because she doesn’t like me back. I’ve completely given up hope now but it still hurts. I guess that’s a loser thing to do but I don’t really care. She’s not single, but even if she was I don’t think I’d have the courage to face that rejection. It would have destroyed me. Yeah maybe that makes me a loser but whatever it still hurts.

  • Sep 17, 2021
    youngtubesteak2

    Respect for being vulnerable

    Thanks man. I feel like I’m shedding some of the pain when I do.

  • Sep 18, 2021

    Ok I’m trying to stop posting all this s*** but whatever I want to right now. I can’t seem to generate any energy within myself for some reason. I went on a walk for like an hour and had a bit of momentum. Then I got home, sat down and went on my phone for a while and felt like dying again. I’ve never been in a rut as bad as this for so long. I don’t know what the f*** to do. I feel physically and mentally unwell. I don’t know what the f*** is going on.

  • Sep 18, 2021
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    1 reply

    All I do is listen to Donda and After Hours lmao

  • lioned 🤠
    Sep 18, 2021
    Grif

    All I do is listen to Donda and After Hours lmao

  • Sep 27, 2021

    One of those nights again fellas

    I don’t even have the energy to explain it all right now

  • Sep 27, 2021
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    1 reply

    <3

    i wish i could go to the bar with you and hangout with you
    sorry you are surrounded by s***ty people
    i really hope you find happiness and one day overcome these hurtful thoughts