Haven’t been down in a while but the large emptiness in me is starting to flare up during these sleepless nights driving around.

Being sober this past week is probably the only thing keeping the emotions not fully coming out

My life feeling like will smith in the pursuit of happyness rn 😹

Funny enough I think my ADHD/autism really the reason why I don't suffer as much from the traumas and abuses from these toxic narcissistic folks

I've had to adapt to these fools, for example through being confronted with a lot of racism from very early on

It's like I can cut myself loose and not blame myself as much

Ofc as was evident the last few yrs, ur still a target but not as easy, usually because they really can't crack u, they'll continue until u unfortunately give up cause u think u are wrong as an ND
That's when they get to u, even tho u know its wrong

So usually it feels like more of an "AHA" moment when I return their toxic behaviors, they cannot grasp it
Or my ability to shut my emotions off and to just keep going without giving a f*** about em, which they hate

im back in that dark place

Same, just gotta keep on chugging

it's tough asf 😪 i wouldn't wish any of this bs on my worst enemy

panic attack free for 7 months, until today god i hate this feeling

Ain't no way, man. Ain't no way!!

panic attacks are woat

Man, the pain extra crazy today. If I make it out of this whole, I gotta build me a statue or some s*** like damn! If I don't, at least it was one hell of a run.

The more I take steps forward the more lost I get

ask for some trazodone. Helps me

I broke my sobriety today (only a week lol)

Being sober really just kept all my feelings at bay, I may laugh but everything else is just buried. Nails on the coffin

Now that I’m awake and drinking endlessly all the bad thoughts and various emotions are all coming out. And to think I enjoyed this feeling on a day to day basis for the past 5 years

Bottles are no longer nightlights, just the fire engulfing my head

Haven’t been this mentally unwell in a long time

I swear my brain waits till 2am then goes into hyperdrive with its sole purpose to ruin me and burn down whatever work I have done heal my past

The light is before us brothers so the devil working hard

Love every one of you 💜💜💜

could just be cursed you know

Yeah i guess the groups stick out. I want to do things with people other than my family, I only have so much. Im gonna hire a therapist soon so ill see how it goes.

weird cause of the ADHD/Autism diagnosis last yr, i did inspired by my ex funny enough, i found it actually easier to "hustle" through the break up i guess

cause it all sorta felt like this "mental" puzzle falling together and becoming more clear ya dig like a cracked frame that just melted back into its og 4k state.

And also the general fog from the abusive relationship that had clouded my mind, the scars and aftermath
because like u also happen to save this girl from suicide, literally and then u get back togetehr too, after several months of seperation and recoverin after our collapses

it seemed like this warphole of life i was sorta climbing out, not like the entire abyss, but more so the spine of it, trynna oversee the quick roots of this problem, but also which "vain(s)" were scared in me that attracted these people/situations and "failures"

so i sorta had already really seen an overall view of the causes and problems and how they kept repeating but in diff forms everytime but always similar patters...

so obv after investigating already like 23 yrs of my life, the 2yrs durin my relationship become "peanuts" so to speak

PLUS EVEN MORE IMPORTANTLY it was now not "undiagnosed" me that was easier to manip, gain empathy from, to switch ma emotions up, blur my mind etc..

it was diagnosed me, who had already started studying his new "manual" of life

and more importantly, its me not losing track of my train of thought and actually being able to hold onto thoughts/insights/realisations/etc

so now it just felt like, i didnt even have to do anything really.. I just had to ask her a few questions or wait and see if she did any of these things again...and yes she did

Not even questions she could answer or would want to answer, but i had to answer and solve everything of hers... blabla

so even during the final stages when i noticed she was mainly in it for her ego(cause i had broken up sorta already)
i had already come to terms how toxic/narsisstic this relationship/ppl in my life were/are
even when callin them out,hearing them out, provokin they ego, theyll just admit it, like she did...

so in a way, it didnt hurt hurt, like i think supposed to, as this "awakening" had opened my eyes(which even already started last summer, durin the real breakdown of the relationship)
and exposed me to the very poisonous souls that had been very close to me, cause i let them, not for harm but genuine care and goodness, but those ppl also turn out to be outcasts/misfits/marginals in their "og" community/society/friendgroup and just pick someone like them just more confident, so they can leach

so yeah, just looking back in general, but specif. the relationship, it feels like u never even met these ppl as they were an empty vezzel that they would mask with whomever "cool" "confident" person theyre running with atm, or leach from atleast

theyll neglect or insult ur strengths/personality traits/passions/accomplishments, because they dont have any
they pretend so in public, with YOU. And depending on their vezzel/upbringing, one gon be more louder than the other

but usually with u, theyll be loud/making fun of others/tryin to make fun of u etc.. or when paired with another toxic person or someone they want to impress atm(usually is), so they can show that other person who ACTUALLY is the cool person(u will prolly even notice them stealing ur slang or whatever, even ur clothin)

but then instead of returnin the favors and love, theyll just twist your head off, fill it up with they insecure,dark,bitter core/thoughts/emotions/failures and shove into u, screw ur head back on and smack u with a stick

theyre usin u as a punchin back for their mishaps and bullshit
which is cool, but then after the first few times u notice these mfers arent doin s*** themselves, literally
they just complain and live in their miserable neg vezzel
then u gotta leave, alot of ppl stay cause they obv also emotionally manip u and make u believe u really need em

and thats what u gotta reverse

cause these suckers really just jealous of u and holdin u down
thats why, i actually laiughed at my ex during the final stages, how pathetically funny it is, "u actually are jealous of me, because of all the reasons u actually love and admire me..Yet u still choose those losers and not be respectful or grateful ...Your loss, already had done more in my first 20 yrs than any of u,ur friends or fam, yet u keep nagging, have fun in ur life with toxic low lifes"

and then u see em break and snap, but not the human snap, no more the "ego" just burst snap
even her family, boy dont let me get into that(literal threats bout callin the police on my family house for her "daughters safety"? cause shes pretty damn racist and kinda very angry that her daughters life was actually saved by that "loser" black bf of hers(she never ever thanked me, only insulted me and my fam, even racially), while obv her daughter manip alot of stories, makin her look like the good girl victim...

dont let em get to u fr
am telling u, if it werent for my adhd/Autism i prolly would have noticed earlier, but maybe i wouldve been an easier victim cause tbh also due to my brain, its easy for me to spot certain masks/behaviors changes(cause they were a glorified grandiose mask built from insecure toxins and fabrics) and "adapt" to em
and cause i can be pretty stoic naturally, i can deflect their insults and games too, but then again it just means am able to play along with their games

which actually happens in the start, but slowly after awhile they find ur weaknesses or have already started some works behind ur back and u notice them slowly takin control as u seem to fade....

fr they the type to come back over and over and over
even my "ex" "best friends" still stalkin me after i cut them off for literal months(mfer even tried to contact my sis lmfao)

just goes to show how far these ppl go
when they actually see u keep on winning and going
not take it to the heart
cause thats what these people fear or lack, the drive and ambition, the engine that comes from having a good and helping heart
these ppl think u are now like them; weak and unable to comeback and get ur price
but u werent

u were never

happens every cycle of mine
even with my ex, when i was down afff, right in the peak of my depression,axniety,dissoc episode, and they all ignored me and kept bullying me and blaming
i scored a lifetime dream job of mine

they were not happy
she was not happy

we never celebrated, only got darker and worse really
cause they thought they had me, through all the gaslightin etc.. and that she could now just leave me..

but karma or the universe of the toxic/narcisst
as they always create troubles themselves(bcs again theyre dumb ignorant overconf ppl)
so as i grabbed the last straws the universe gave me to pull myself back up, she created her own mess and sorta started fallin in my abyss, but just not as bad, as her problems always got solved by her rich mom

but this obv made them angry af

so one night she exploded and literally started choking me
her face was red and dark, filled with anger and resentment,hatred
instantly felt the force, but it was cause of shock prolly, only after a few seconds i realized how srs it was
so obv i pushed her back out of self defense, as i was literally graspin for air back, then obv parted ways
but she twisted the story around ofc behind my back even to those ex best friends(whom obv belived it)

but yeah watch ur back like fools is crazy

I’m the problem

Anyone bipolar here?

How do you deal with a manic depressive episode?