I’ve done everything I can. I have tried to be a positive as I can. A lot of my situation is my own fault. I can own to that. I should have made better decisions and everyone can jump down my throat about it. I’m a f*** up of an adult and a loser. The only good thing to happen to me is this website and meeting the best friend group I could ask for. But now I’m tired. I don’t want to do this anymore. This year has been relentless. I’ve only had 2 good days. I can’t cry anymore. I don’t even have the energy for anger. I just want something to go right so bad. I’m tired of having to be dependent on the miracle and help of other people because I’m so f***ed right now. I hate that what would be a miracle for me is pocket change for someone else. I hate that I’m mentally ill. I hate that I’m good for nothing and have been nothing but a burden on everyone I know and love. I’m nothing. And soon I’ll be less than that. I can’t see this going much longer. I at least want to make amends for a few things if I can last that long. But damnit I’m tired of this s***. All I want is peace of mind and to be free. Not be in fear every day of being homeless and losing all my s***. Not feeling like I’m going insane in my brain. I don’t want to go to hell. I feel like I’m already living in it. I’m not okay.

I need sleep. Hopefully I’ll wake up and feel better

Had a wonderful day yesterday, then at the flip of a coin everything shifted at night.

No sleep, passiv fights with my partner that leads nowhere and today is ruined, and wonders of yesterday seems like a mocking tale of how I tried to live

Currently in crisis mode

Yo i relate to this a lot. All we can do is try our best

a long sigh

Every now and then a dark cloud looms over me and I’m consistently flashed with memories that I don’t need to think back to

I know it’ll pass but at the moment it’s pretty non stop. But I also give a lot of time to it, which I shouldn’t

I’m at peace with it, but sometimes I wish said memories never existed in the first place

somewhat finding solace in this quote at the moment. Not even in a bad way.

i hate myself so f***ing much dawg

Yeah…
Can’t really put it into words, but I’m spiraling.
I caught myself tonight
But I’m unsure
…
Can’t trust myself when the spiral is in play.
….
My partner can’t trust me when the spiral is in play
..
I denied my partner a goodbye kiss today
Might seem small but I’m afraid I really gutted them

BRAIN STOP IT

Zero confidence

Been slipping into a bad episode again over the last week or so but I feel a little more in control today

Neglecting a lot of responsibilities in my life right now. Most of it isn't even hard, I just get absolutely paralyzed when I'm in these states.

picked the best time to stop going to therapy huh lol.

october is always the worst month

unless we fight for a revolution

I will never escape my own head. I am permanently arrested there.

I thought that I was making progress by going to the gym and meditating three times a week these past two months.

Today, I looked myself in the mirror and realized that I'm not s***.

Coming up on two year anniversary of my mental ward stay