big "how am i gonna make it through the night" hours

i keep having this realization that no one could stop me from swallowing every pill in my house if wanted to

Deep down i want someone to be a superhero for me but i know nothing works like that

As goofy as it sounds I was at a bdsm bar and getting whipped and I didn’t even hurt and I enjoyed it

Then it took me back to the mindset of loving pain and now I want more of it done to me to a king where I really want to self harm again

I’ve been in a emotional spiral this summer man and right now I don’t even want to talk to anyone besides random s*** posting on here

My dad called and was upset that I haven’t talked to my mom in a week and I really don’t care I haven’t even talked to my friends & not been on social media like I used to

It feels like a I need a “break” but if I say that to someone I know it’s gonna get a negative reaction and I’m gonna be very pissed off

My self esteem been s*** and I don’t even want to do a f***ing thing anymore and drinking is s*** I only do it to just gain some emotion out of me and actually enjoy life and I hate it cause I’m always feeling like s***

I just want peace man. I’m so over being angry and sad & looking in the mirror and hating who I am. Then realizing how I cope makes me look like a f***ing weirdo & I have permanent marks on my body that can never be fixed. I’m tapped out

If i may ask, what about yourself do you not like?

i’m hurting hurting

Everything dude .. growing up i always felt like I wasn’t good enough cause my parents were always comparing me to others. So whenever I feel inadequate I want to punish myself cause that was what I was used to.

Which led to currently I don’t even feel comfortable with myself unless I’m alone or wasted as f***.

Like oh yeah we are so proud etc NOW but it’s been decades + of making me feel like s***. And I have a little sister too and it’s the exact opposite. She’s the golden child. It doesn’t even deal with her but I’m so over getting s*** over me being myself & hearing the whole “well when I die you’ll regret how you treat me “

I don’t even do anything man I have pride and I’m told that it’s bad but we’ll when I do ask for help I get a lot of s*** and I rather just figure it out on my own. And me being that way is bad.

Feels like everyone is allowed to be upset besides me.

Yeah that’s brutal I’m sorry . I wish I could explain more or better but can’t really rn. That sticks and stone s*** was gassed up lol

the end of a bloodline

❤️❤️❤️

Lexapro killed my d***

if ur considering leaving social media as is n r struggling with ur appearance and self esteem on top of that then definitely just tell ppl if they need u text u n go 4 it. i guarantee it is making things way worse even if it doesn't feel that important. plus it'll give u more time to find yourself, find a hobby, self-analyse.

my first step to getting healthy mentally was going cold turkey on socials n it's hard when it's normalised that everyone is addicted n everyone lives there but once u get past that fomo n realise u rlly aren't missing s*** and no one cares that ur not there my god it's freeing n makes it way easier to figure ur s*** out.

only you decide what is good enough for you. f*** your parents and f*** anyone else who tries to put u down for trying your best.

if ur not comfortable or satisfied with how things are rn - explore and find out what changes that. if it's punishment then f***ing keep going to that bdsm club. get ur ass on fetlife too. try boxing or other high intensity exercises. get a tattoo. there's always a healthy way to get that.

easier said than done but just try n let go of how judgmental they've been. their judgemental only means something if you let it. they obviously don't deserve to be put on a pedastool so take them off of it. it's obvious deep down you don't hate yourself and know you have potential. you enjoying your own company is good. better than some can say. put that alone time to good use and really deep where you want your life to go. who makes it better. and what satisfies you. and if anyone or anything makes it hard to get to that place. get rid of it/em. it's not an easy thing but everyone deserves to thrive. but no one else is gonna help you get there.

(maybe keep trying with therapists/help too with the parents trauma, it takes time to find one that truly understands and listens)

Yeah I deleted 2 of the group chats I was in and one of my friends called to see if I was okay he he understood

Mht discord got serious use tonight, it’s nice to be able to actually talk to people instead of just posting

here we go again

Miss having friends lol

i am honestly down so bad and i keep being self destructive to try numb the pain

i just want to wake up one morning and be happy