fiveprestos

4y

I have no social life due to years of thinking that I was too good for social exploration, a lack of faith in the process, and a lifetime of being betrayed in the name of social hierarchy.

I was able to sustain a social group in the last years of high school and about halfway until college until I was brutally let down. I have faith in whatever process comes next knowing that I'm a bit more clear headed as to who I am and what I want out of friendship, but the grim percentage of any friendships transcending themselves into strong interpersonal bonds makes it difficult for me to not act as if im better than starting a conversation, initiating plans, etc. its fatigue but also an instinct spawned by trauma.

this permeates into my dating life as well - I'm one to disappoint because while I'm swooned over for my mask of charisma and strong conversational skills, I am desensitized to any prospect of opening myself up to others outside of relating to universal emotional tropes. as I've grown this has permeated into the transaction of hooking up as well, where I'm often left feeling deeply alienated by any sexual activity I engage in.

"let them reach out" is a mindset that now finds me in the worst mental state I've ever been in, where I can no longer use my alienation as a brutally narcissistic ego boost, and can only recognize it as a mirror that now reflects an about-to-be college grad who has to pretend he's not an 8 year old on his first day at a new school when walking out into the world again. is it right to have let my ego wither, or wrong to have failed this severely for so long? I've leaned on acid tropes in the year and change since I last tripped, telling myself its better to sustain open, vulnerable conversations to the farthest extent you can as a means of establishing such connections, but this is inherently narcissistic in of itself. I now have a respect for the purity in boundaries, the purity in a slow burning process of familiarizing yourself with others, but I would like to remain integral to myself and find a way to strike an authentic balance between the two - socializing truly is an individualized art form in this regard.

I don't know what the consequences of being vulnerable are now that I'm an...adult. I don't know how to love myself at the moment given that I'm currently without a job. or any sort of career plan. maybe my self love or confidence in being vulnerable was predicated on some sort of fantasy where the career job and money would all fall into my lap conveniently and integrally. Am I a burden to everyone or unimportant to everyone? Is everyone laughing at me in their heads when they see me on the street because they secretly know I'm 22 living with my parents? Why can't I write a good song? Why cant I be consistent with anything? Am I worthy of the emotional treatment I once thought I was worthy of?

The trite answer to this is "of course!", but that affirmation feels more like a hallow consolation prize these days. Its like someone telling you a song's amazing, but YOU know how you react when you hear something amazing, and right now its not hitting, but rather leaving you numb and paralyzed.

TOKYOFROMTHEEAST

4y

Hey man are you okay? I’ve seen you typing strange s*** are you good?

Tyler1999

4y

Nice of you to assume I have friends

CLDP

4y

MIA

fiveprestos

4y

I have no social life due to years of thinking that I was too good for social exploration, a lack of faith in the process, and a lifetime of being betrayed in the name of social hierarchy.

I was able to sustain a social group in the last years of high school and about halfway until college until I was brutally let down. I have faith in whatever process comes next knowing that I'm a bit more clear headed as to who I am and what I want out of friendship, but the grim percentage of any friendships transcending themselves into strong interpersonal bonds makes it difficult for me to not act as if im better than starting a conversation, initiating plans, etc. its fatigue but also an instinct spawned by trauma.

this permeates into my dating life as well - I'm one to disappoint because while I'm swooned over for my mask of charisma and strong conversational skills, I am desensitized to any prospect of opening myself up to others outside of relating to universal emotional tropes. as I've grown this has permeated into the transaction of hooking up as well, where I'm often left feeling deeply alienated by any sexual activity I engage in.

"let them reach out" is a mindset that now finds me in the worst mental state I've ever been in, where I can no longer use my alienation as a brutally narcissistic ego boost, and can only recognize it as a mirror that now reflects an about-to-be college grad who has to pretend he's not an 8 year old on his first day at a new school when walking out into the world again. is it right to have let my ego wither, or wrong to have failed this severely for so long? I've leaned on acid tropes in the year and change since I last tripped, telling myself its better to sustain open, vulnerable conversations to the farthest extent you can as a means of establishing such connections, but this is inherently narcissistic in of itself. I now have a respect for the purity in boundaries, the purity in a slow burning process of familiarizing yourself with others, but I would like to remain integral to myself and find a way to strike an authentic balance between the two - socializing truly is an individualized art form in this regard.

I don't know what the consequences of being vulnerable are now that I'm an...adult. I don't know how to love myself at the moment given that I'm currently without a job. or any sort of career plan. maybe my self love or confidence in being vulnerable was predicated on some sort of fantasy where the career job and money would all fall into my lap conveniently and integrally. Am I a burden to everyone or unimportant to everyone? Is everyone laughing at me in their heads when they see me on the street because they secretly know I'm 22 living with my parents? Why can't I write a good song? Why cant I be consistent with anything? Am I worthy of the emotional treatment I once thought I was worthy of?

The trite answer to this is "of course!", but that affirmation feels more like a hallow consolation prize these days. Its like someone telling you a song's amazing, but YOU know how you react when you hear something amazing, and right now its not hitting, but rather leaving you numb and paralyzed.

PainPapi

4y

The one that walks behind alone when there’s no space on the footpath