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Last night my mother and I discussed (me drunkenly stumbling my words on things to big for me to understand on my own) on her current state. She has accepted that she has been beyond a point of no return and will ultimately lose her grip on reality and slip into insanity. This isn't as black and white as having problems and trying to fix them. My mother's entire life has been devoted to me, and when it wasn't me it was for other people. This is what she was taught and told about herself. For 21 years I have spent worrying about my mother in ways that could only come about under our niche circumstances. All the experiences, ups and downs, and abuse that I fell victim to were inevitable because I was a child and had nobody in my life to share and feel out my emotional dismay, and when I did I was put into a situation where communicating these experiences meant jeopardizing everything my mother ever worked for.

However, now that I am a full grown adult and have proven to myself and to my mother that I am capable of being an independent working adult, she has lost all purpose in life and is stuck in marriage and debt that seems stagnant. Nothing motivates her, and she is beyond a state of neurosis unlike any other I've seen. Bare in mind, my mother is an extremely intelligent and wise person. She has her masters in social work and mental health care as well as being a grade A student in high school. Talking with her openly about herself and frame of mind is an experience in of itself because she's stuck between a realm of extreme self awareness (she claims it's almost as if she sees herself in her mind, and she really can describe her actions, thought patterns, and behaviors near unbiasedly) and the delusion of continuously worrying or stressing over the simplest and purely random things. Imagine being so hypervigilant that you lose all sense of self when occupied with say the reason a wash cloth is on the ground.

Seeing my mother now is one of the biggest wake up calls in my life, but what really solidified and brought everything together was coming to the understanding that 1. I cannot control how my mother (or anyone for that matter) perceives me and what they think. Which leads into 2. My mother overall has not been a healthy person to be around even if she tries her hardest and 3. My entire basis of who I am has revolved around worrying, living, and coping with my mother. When she told me that it was unnecessary to worry about her and broke it down to me, especially with her saying she's miserable and hates her life beforehand, I knew that she was right. There's nothing I can do to help my mother or her marriage. She wants to go on disability, but she says you have to be unemployed for a certain amount of time and given how my stepdad operates, that's not gonna happen anytime soon. She wants to end her life, but is too afraid of pain (possibly from her own abuse and experiences, which are by far, the worse in our family). She hopes that if the time was right, that I would assist her (legally mind you) with her death. A stand-up bit her and I like to revisit is Doug Stanhope celebrating his mothers passing by popping a morpheme when she was under similar circumstances. It's a lot, but you must understand that this is 21+ years in the making, and it would require a lot of explaining and details to paint the whole picture. That being said, whatever is gonna happen is gonna happen. It's not up to me. It's up to fate, as it always is.

The core of my being was my worry for my mother. I now know and understand that this is what has held me back, but I hold no resentment or contempt to it. Everything I have ever done is traced back to what I think my mother thinks / feels, because for so long it was all I knew. At some point down the line I realized that there was way more to me and I was capable of accomplishing so much more. While I may suffer from CPTSD and anxiety, I don't seem to have a lingering depression and even my aforementioned mental illnesses are very treatable / have been in treatment for a long time. The ultimate treatment was understanding and acceptance, as well as letting go and moving on. Yesterday was a life changing experience, and while I don't anticipate any significant change to snap and happen, I now more than ever feel a level of comfortability in myself and who I am than I ever have before. It is VERY strange. It is very real as well. My existence now has no meaning, and I find a sense of wonder behind that.

Who do I want to be? A calm, gentle leader. A mindful, dedicated loving father. A compassionate, honest, open and engaging partner. And a faithful, empathetic and blithesome friend. I am a hands-on worker and artist who's fascinated by social sciences, philosophy, ways of life, and psychology. My favorite things include music, expressionism and writing of any kind. There's more I could type out and put here, but I feel as though I've covered everything I wanted to. Where life will take me from here is beyond comprehension, but that's okay. I now want to live in the present and engage with the world around me. Thank you to everyone on here reading this, as chances are you were a positive influence on me and my rollercoaster of a life. I start at my new job tomorrow, and I can finally start earning and working towards everything I've been talking/planning about since who knows when.

Start my new job today. Got no money to eat with, but I get paid weekly so i’ll bounce back soon enough. Don’t know how the d*** test is gonna go down, but at least it’s at a clinic and not on site. Should be able to get my friend to help me and legally it needs to be 24 hour notice

best of luck at the new job

Thank you!!

SOTN

One of tha coolest games oat

OoOo

Ok dis da vibes

❄️🔮 It’s already snowing on a regular basis

ok dis erect

*hard

u goin real spooky hours

Bloody beautiful

I wasn’t even done when you replied LOL

nonetheless, it’s still bloody beautiful lol