yeah its looking rough out here for me

Love you all. Life can be an absolute f***ing nightmare & this s*** sucks but we gotta keep going 💜

lol this is real as f***. When I feel like this I often wind up tripping shrooms, acid or something to get out of the feeling of having to have all the answers. Realizing we are all human. Right now I am just finding the feeling of hopelessness sober (avoiding alcohol too) but shrug.

Life is interesting its not even truly a depression as in whats the point. Recognizing I may never necessarily find love. Seeing homeless people struggle every day and wanting to give to them all. Struggling with bills, credit and job. Like all the stress adds up and it often is baffling or paralyzing.

Especially this year and especially when your friend network shrinks because you set boundaries or notice off energy

For a lot of my year I loved life so much I would wake up and not even think of going back to sleep because I was so grateful to make progress no matter how small. Then I hit a wall and now I am just like in a cycle of sleeping and staying inside hibernating. I will break it over time. My brain will unfog over time

stressed out the wazoo

Focus on what you can control and what you can't. But even more so open the notes app on your phone make a checklist and write out the stresses in detail or short form then from there make a bulleted list under each stress of what you can do to empower yourself so example if a stress is

Bills
-Payment Plan
-lower payments
-Consolidate make a call on moday
-Deferrment

appointments
-call doctor
-call dentist
-remember login to insurance carrier to check coverage and print card

I know it seems small but at times when I get overwhelmed its by the idea that both anything is possible as in "I can work at any job I can do anything in life but you need some form of motion or progress or goals. Not even day by day because some days you will just need rest but also need to think of end goals vs survival

so if your personal end goal is example get married find love you have to look backwards at all the steps that get you there

Set your own goals and begin accomplishing in some form. Learn a skill or if you have a skill nurture it. Then reward yourself

In a way you have to create homework to defeat stress otherwise I have been there its debilitating depression naps waking up with no peace so you go back to sleep in search of peace

Thank you for the words in the middle of moving out and starting my last year of uni. Feels like a got a lot on my plate rn, just gotta take it day by day. At least I got a lot done today, and I got quite a bit tomorrow too

something I do is use a day counter since birth s*** you can do it from birth or if you have ever been suicidal from a moment you thought you were at your lowest or done. That day counter works for me like an AA person. So today is like day 11,000 since birth and at nearly 9000 or so I had a surgery and was sad after. We are always making progress every day is a day it is the only thing promised and not even every 24 hours is promised. you will process the move in. That's positive stress because you will have more opportunities and decisions to be made

I honestly thought things would matter

what does matter to you?

i just learned exactly whats wrong with me and it explains my whole life and it even predicted how it originated 2 generations before my infancy

I’m so tired of myself. No matter how hard I try I still do everything wrong. I don’t deserve s***.

:/

I try to wake up early like at 6am stay up for some of day maybe attempt to go outside, clean, eat then when I possibly go back into a sleep coma because my sleep schedule is f***ed up (partially due to no AC and how humid it is) I feel okay. Its mainly cool during the day at a certain time oddly enough so during night I kind of stay up because its so sweaty

Everything’s gonna be ok my nigga.

I hate people

Dear Lord, make it alright, nothing else ever feels right
Dear God, make it alright, nothing else ever feels right
Nah, nah, nah, nothing else ever feels right…

the abstract sense of hope that things are going to be better "someday" is the only thing that allows me to function. if i lose my handle on it then i can't do anything but wallow in despair because in reality i'm barely present. just tricking myself into improving the quality of my life until i won't have to lie to myself anymore.

free will doesnt exist

"suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" officially debunked for me there are papers and documentation out there that have been out for years literally explaining how my life would turn out from infancy and predicting how i will develop s*** like bpd early on then a fully blown dissociative disorder into adolescence this has been lifelong and not a "temporary problem"

i dont know who i hate more myself or other people