I’ll keep ya in my prayers

sorry for your loss. grief is such a difficult emotion. prayers to you to overcome it

i don’t know the intricacies of your situation, but if you’re considering hurting someone and the people you love are getting hurt, i really think you need to contact authorities, or at least contact an organization that can get your family help. heartbroken to hear what you’re going through.

how can people fear death?

its relief from all this bullshit

does anyone have positive experience with therapy who initially had negative feelings toward the concept? I have PTSD issues that a handful of times a year are like incredibly hard to deal with, and my girlfriend recommended i go to therapy for it since it's an issue which hasn't ever gotten better. When I was a kid I went to child therapy after my parent's divorce and ever since then I've harbored resentful and negative ideas about therapy and can't help but view it as a relationship with an invasive stranger, but I'm not sure what else I can do to deal with PTSD symptoms, so I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. The idea of seeking out therapy feels intrinsically wrong to me and I can't really get over that hurdle

Thank you ❤️

I have found a new meaning behind death bcuz of grief.

I believe someone will mourn me and I try my best to be a good person. Have these good moments with my loved ones so they can remember me by ❤️

My therapy experience has gotten better.

I’ve been with 3 therapist in the past 8 months.

I believe the key to therapy is finding a therapist you can trust, which can take time. You also gotta put the effort in. It will take time to open up, but a good therapist knows that and works with you.

On that note: I’ve been with my current therapist for almost 3 months and she said I’m progressing.

I don’t see it tbh bcuz I’m struggling a lot still, but she said I’m opening up more.

Little steps.

I've had those dreams before. Where I woke up feeling happy, and it took like 5 to 19 seconds to realise it was a dream... What a s***ty feeling..

Turns out i been clinically depressed and had social anxiety disorders since ma 15 yrs old amongst others due to my adhd...

So all this time my masking game been like A1
Which also says alot again about environment and mental health...
Many of my ADHD symptoms were just excused cause of my race...

Growing up in a very white racist area, we are often nothing more than a few words;. Stereotypes

Black people are lazy/nonchalant
Black people are always joyful with energy
They tend to be more aggressive
They love to sports/entertain
They are dumb
Etc

All these stereotypes i so called matched were basically very largely due to my adhd...
See how far racism stretches folks

Like, i been in rooms were white people falsely diagnosed others with adhd just cause they were hyperactive
Meanwhile i was "sitting" there undiagnosed af, but my. Problem was; skin color

Now ofcourse
Add all the racism, abuse, neglect, broken friendships,promises, public humiliation, authority figures not standing up, nobody wants to listen but most of all nobody can listen cause they CANNOT RELATE therefor WON'T INVEST time trying to empathize

Young me, ofcourse tried to fit but no matter what,i could just never get it or do it right and due to my impulsive nature, what they saw as quirky,. Znd the fact that ma mind easily wanders znd forgets, i was always an easy victim too

So mister Black Do Good keeps trying but no matter what or how he always fails
Which to them is hilarious
Which to them means= stupid black boy

Very interesting as u grow older, how u figure out these dynamics

Now i have to explain those same white people, that joyful, witty, creative but stupid, nonchalant, slow znd nervous fast talking Kwasi had ADHD this entire time

Ow boy;
U just want to be the victim again?
ADHD? so? Ur black u posed to be like that
Lol, ur just stupid admit it.
U dont look like u that hyperactive...
Etc...

Like wow, my potential was really blown to pieces
I was really an ABSOLUTE STRANGER out here and the worst part is i always very aware of this even when i was young, i was ashamed
We looked different, were treated differently,looked at differently, asked weird questions, diff family structure,skin color, not growing up with any of the same morals/values cause both ur parents are foreigners, mental disorder etc

Crude world out there
Be careful
It runs deep, stigma
And dont trust those around u

Ive hit the lowest point my life several times this year and here i am again

Its just non stop and this one is going to continue for awhile

Already tried killing myself twice this year and now its like im just stuck here to suffer

All i can do is just keep getting punched in the face until the universe decides to stop

See a female therapist with a PHD
They know what theyre doing and theyll let you speak

Same bro. It just keeps getting worse. Im just numb to it at this point. Going on a massive losing streak sucks.

I dont understand man

What did we do to deserve this?

Theres people out there who should suffer for their sins

Yet its us instead

is there any reason you recommend over a male one with the same certifications?

Females wont speak over you and they have more of the empathetic touch you want from a therapist

Now that i think of it most therapists dont have PHD

But masters is a neccessity and preferably someone older with years of experience

You dont want some young person whos just going to agree with you on everything

there's a guy near me who's certified and PHD and has like 30 years of experience and seems specialized in the subject i'm looking for. i figure i can try an introductory call and see if it feels right before moving forward with it. ive also tried getting an appointment separately with a sleep specialist doctor to try to treat my chronic insomnia issues

yeah go for all them and weigh your options

100000000%. I tried to do good with everyone, but theres way worse ppl like us that do way worse and they're rich, successful and get anything they want.

Life really sucks

Well i guess this is the part where ppl can actually start cutting u off cause u actually crazy
So instead of understanding
They run

Maybe for the best

Idk even tho i been feeling better cause of the meds
Just feels like a facade sometimes, a layer of tissue like skin ready to peel off and reveal the potential madness hidden in me

And this all also comes from feeling alone
Actually being alone like, i contacted several important people about my issues that have been professionally diagnosed, they literally ignored the messages or problems as if im making excuses

Making u only feel more misunderstood
Literally like that tissue ready to drop,just paper thin, transparant, soft fabric, lightweight af
Ready to drop.

And i know with my adhd mind how complicated it can be to communicate on my own....
But if that's what the people want or force me to do....

Its painful
Cause its a trick to cope they taught me in life
Pushing me away with ma problems
Neglecting them all together
To then insult me or blame le for whatever

Yeah its very easy to see why for me disappearing into this mode of self hatred is easy

Everyone throwing rocks at u for non
And when u acknowledge ur failures they'll just bash u even harder for it cause they think they know better