sounds like depression b. you have good traits and maybe you're being too harsh on yourself, but that's the b**** with depression it will convince of things that aren't necessarily true.

Oh for sure I'm my worst enemy. People think more highly of me than I do and I always trip out on it. And I definitely have this bully in my head and the mofucker does not shut up he talks s*** 24/7 that's why I smoke weed and take X****. If I could take X**** everyday without suffering consequences I would. Im creative I can articulate myself loyal af I have leadership qualities I'm always the catalyst I rile mofuckers up in to action, if your my boy which I don't have many of them and you get jumped were getting jumped if I have 100$ he has 50$ I have 50$. I'm legit a solid ass person. But that's also why every slight against me bothers me I keep it cool with everyone so if your tripping on me I want to beat the f*** out of you and a couple years ago I would but after being fired from a couple jobs for s*** like that ive learned to chill now I just mad dog them and go tell my manager if your boy keeps tripping on me I'm gonna whoop his ass. But b****es bro b****es have violated me to the point where I don't believe s*** they say and I'm jaded af and honestly don't care I rather be alone forever then potentially get hurt the way I have. And I f***ed so much I was a s***addict at one point and now.i think that s*** was gross and I can live off memories forever. I think I'll be alone forever I'll probably stop doing d**** but I'm involved in a certain activity that will eventually get me jail time or fines I can never pay off and I'm f***ed or killed someone pulled out on gun me the other day I've never hurt or steal nothing like that but I will f*** someone up if they f*** with me. But it won't stop me I'll keep doing it. I don't have any skills outside of cooking and street s*** I'm bound to never be s*** it was written. Even if I wanted to turn things around and I've tried. It's not me it's me playing some f***ing fake character. I hate to say it but im a f*** up at cool f*** up a best I guess fun to party with fun to f*** but that's about it. and you can't hang out with me too long I'll get you into trouble.

And no I don't sell d**** but I did at one point haven't we all

Now I use d****

I should write a journal because no one lives like me. But It would be hella incriminating. Maybe get it published after death

And d**** obviously play a role in my depression. I smoked weed forever since I was like twelve. And weed has never been very harmful but I drink and do cocaine and take benzos too and that s*** cannot be good for you. Sobriety seems unattainable tho. could see myself quitting coke and alcohol but weed and bars never

@Drogon_

I accept my dissociation as who I am. I can be happy and also feel like an Alien. Yeah

Got trashed at work today lmfao still got all my s*** done

Going to my mums for a week. 6 hour drive. 2hrs in and I f***ing hate it. Just me and my intrusive thoughts.

Don't like it

Day drinking on Xmas well night drinking now. Can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning

I'm f***ing trashed lol

This thought crosses my mind p often tbh. I definitely feel like some kind of outsider. And happiest when I accept it. Trying to fit in makes me miserable.

Never see me in the street too much
But on the inside, I'm outside, all the time

Hmmm I be outside all the time running amuck. Inside I'm usually inside my head and I hate it. I can distract myself by drawing and getting high. Video games too sometimes but I don't like em like I use too I use to play all the f***ing time.

Work is good too cause I blast hoodrat music all day and don't have to listen to myself think all day.

Sometimes I go places by myself just to GTFO of this house and my head

I consider myself and outsider because no one lives like me. I'm abnormal Im anti social I don't f*** with no one unless your crazy like me. And I like hip hop kids I guess. But normies seem like drones go to work day in day out rinse repeat until death. I'm on some other s*** living like a maniac until I die.

I was quoting a Mac Miller song, but yeah I feel very similarly in terms of feeling like an outsider.

I feel like I've fallen through the cracks in society and have to find my place in the world without the luxuries allotted by it, and it's difficult to find peers in that space.

Actually working on mixing a project that's kinda about this, would consider the artist one of the few peers I have. Everything was written and recorded in that "manic" state. So I definitely feel you on that.

I see. Very nice I would like to hear it. I don't think we're alone as we think many people probably feel like this. We live In. A society built by others and we have to play by there rules. I'm a rebel tho I'ma do wtf I want when I want and can't nobody stop me you gotta lock me up or kill me and as soon as I get out I'm f***ing s*** up again I cannot be stopped. But I also realize I have to build motivate and inspire I can't just destroy and kill everything. Music is a great creative outlet I wish I was good at that I have a collective of mostly producers and I'm kinda the leader the organizer but I don't have much musical talent I like the art thing and if someone needs to get slapped the f*** up I'm the guy to do it. And it's super hard to find rappers/singers who want to work with my boys. But I'm determined to make something happen.