Hey guys,

I lost my phone over the weekend, so if i'm not responding in the discord, that's the reason why. Just got a new phone and slowly getting my s*** back on track.

Take Care

Drogon

go to sleep pissed off wake up pissed off again

definitely in the middle of a manic episode right now but I'm at the part where I feel really good so I'm not complaining but I'm scared the depressive part's gonna start up again but that's not my issue right now I'm just gonna make the most of this part

Love to you all 💜💜💜

i'm getting my og phone back tomorrow (my dumbass dropped it in a taxi while i was drunk), so i'll be back there tomorrow 👍

it’s these moments where everything loses taste and color…

everything always feel grey as hell to me and i dont eat no more i feel u

man i haven’t cared about anything in so long

i cant remember the last time i tried

probably 2017

I’m tired

Really tired

I’m gone

:/

I just read that Bipolar episodes damage the brain over time, especially manic episodes.

It can also lead to dementia, which I totally believe, I started rapid cycling 5 years ago and i've felt my vocabulary degrade, cognitive abilities and smarts degraded too, memory gone to s***. feel like a shell of myself.

should have gotten checked out and medicated earlier

i've never heard that about bi-polar. You'd think that type of information would be more mainstream, where did you hear that from?

webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/long-term-effects-of-bipolar-disorder

ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5365367

well increased risk of dementia*

Dementia/Alzheimer's is really scary to me. I've noticed a cognitive decline in conjunction with the decline of my mental health. For me all I can do is try to stay healthy as i can that means - eating healthy, getting sleep, and working out. I think that's the best recipe to try and take your mind off things, but I understand the difficulty it is in completing normal tasks when your brain isn't functioning as it should.

I hope that makes sense.

finally told my mom im depressed. Almost teared up but kept it in while telling her. She kept asking what are the reasons why I think im depressed. Just couldn't tell her :\

Big first step, congrats.

one day at a time. wishing you the best

that's brave dude you should b proud of yourself fr, some people just let that s*** build up inside until it rips them apart to release and be upfront about how you feel takes alot of guts. keep strong bro

everyone's been treating me different after my breakdown the other day. something really funny about how concerned everyone is. i just want to be normal and left alone but i don't have much say in that anymore ig

i wish people would straight up tell me what about me weirds them out. like sure it's not socially acceptable maybe but like if i'm doing something awkward and i can clearly sense that you don't wanna talk to me and that i'm being fundamentally weird and different i would like to know so i could f***ing work on it. i'm not owed that by anyone but it's frustrating knowing that i'm bad at talking to people and that i make em uncomfortable when i'm desperately hoping i don't do that

It's got to be really complicated for them on there end as well, and maybe they just don't have the answers.

Regardless I hope you figure it out, sounds like a tough spot to be in.

I don't know what to call this. I guess I just want to just be able to do things without thinking about what I'm doing for a little.

Or worrying about it it'll all be alright.

I also just would like some company, someone to talk to openly. I find that I have to operate with a facade to make my family not worry about me.
Same with my friends, because I have positioned myself in a place where everyone I have close to me is either family or I'm in business with them.

It's all complicated, and I'm not really depressed per say at the moment, had a really good week actually, maybe it's just accepting that things are going slow and that I can't rush them because if I do I'll burn myself.

So I can let that worry about things working out consume me.

And in terms of the company thing, I don't really have a solution for that. I suppose I just go on without it. But it does, I think, have an effect. But potentially connection it's a lifelong pursuit that may never be fulfilled as It seems to me as if we are really alone when it boils down to it, and I find myself in a interesting place, where I don't relate to many people.