Aquilla

7mo

New story posted
https://www.fictionpress.com/s/3372592/1/Aquilla-s-Protoplasis

FlyHiii

7mo

very cool OP!

Aquilla

8mo

I've posted some of my stories on Fiction Press. My post apocalyptic story, Terra Firma, is up there. Has 2 chapters so far. Feel free to check it out😤:
https://www.fictionpress.com/s/3371056/1/Terra-Firma

DesRoses

7mo

Hey ! Read the first chapter and I'm hooked,

I Love how descriptive the narration is, and i'm kinda (already) getting attached to this duo.

Appreciate your work as always

Aquilla

7mo

New story posted
https://www.fictionpress.com/s/3372592/1/Aquilla-s-Protoplasis

Aquilla

7mo

New story posted
https://www.fictionpress.com/s/3372592/1/Aquilla-s-Protoplasis

Aquilla

6mo

@voriox @Slingshot @slime_wrld @t3st1ng @2words

@TUNDRAIV @Water_Giver @Valentine @Beach_kneega

@Ron_James @aauraa @Valentine

Chapter 4 of Terra Firma is finally up!
https://www.fictionpress.com/s/3371056/4/Terra-Firma

CRACKASTEPPAVEGAN

6mo

Imma be real with you dawg and this is from a good place, cuz I love that you're enthusiastic about this, but this story is not for me + it needs a lot more time in the oven with regards to storytelling, the tropes, grammar, but that's just my opinion.

Aquilla

6mo

I hear ya. There are some improvements that need to be made. Revisions are definitely needed. What are examples you think should be enhanced

CRACKASTEPPAVEGAN

6mo

For me, it's a momentum thing. I really don't know where the story is going so I'm not as immersed as I should be. The protagonist's goals are vague for example, unless I missed something.

Water Giver

6mo

OKAY OKAY

Aquilla

6mo

Aten’s goal revolves around survival and protecting the Boy, as well as maintaining some semblance of order or purpose in a chaotic world. His actions—such as gathering supplies, navigating dangerous territories, and teaching the Boy about the harsh realities of their environment—imply a desire to keep them both safe and to prepare the Boy for a future in this world. In Addition Aten is seeking some form of redemption or closure, especially considering his age and experience.

The Boy’s goals are developing primarily because of his youth and the fact that he is still discovering the world around him. His journey seems to be one of survival and learning, guided by Aten. He is also dealing with the mystery of his own abilities, which suggests that a significant part of his goal might be understanding his place in the world and how to use his powers, basically seeking internal discovery. Which can be naturally seen as less defined than external objectives to your point.

The goals aren't truly vague but they reveal themselves as time goes on. Each chapter does hint about what their goal is but it's rather than implied than outright stated. Think of it as a puzzle and how to piece them together basically.

CRACKASTEPPAVEGAN

6mo

The goals aren't truly vague but they reveal themselves as time goes on. Each chapter does hint about what their goal is but it's rather than implied than outright stated

That's all good. Subtlety is a good thing. I was more so referring to the sense of agency when it comes to the characters being a bit lacking. I'll give an example of a completely different medium, but with the TV show Succession, the main premise is that the aging CEO of a media conglomerate is in need of a replacement, so it's a rat race between the children, but the journey there is filled with short term goals that are just as intense as the long term goal. Where the story lands from episode to episode is always a surprise but we have a concrete idea of what the characters want, which makes the journey and short-term objectives a bit more satisfying.

Aquilla

6mo

They do exhibit agency respectfully speaking
Aten often exhibits strong agency. He’s portrayed as a knowledgeable and resourceful character who actively makes decisions, whether it’s planning a journey, interacting with other characters, or dealing with threats. His experience and wisdom drive much of the narrative, and he often takes the lead in critical moments.

The Boy's Development: The Boy, though mute, shows agency in his actions and decisions, even if they are sometimes guided by Aten. His internal thoughts, reactions, and the way he interacts with the world around him indicate that he is more than just a passive observer. For instance, his curiosity and willingness to explore new environments suggest that he’s developing his own sense of agency as the story progresses.

CRACKASTEPPAVEGAN

6mo

Well, I'm just commenting from my experience with the work

All the best tho

Aquilla

6mo

I wasn't being defensive but I think the pacing can be uneven and transition issues but I do think that it be best if you explain which parts needed work.

You mentioned previously that it should be mostly conventional but when reading books in that conventional, it just feels boring imo and most people don't really like traditional storytelling.

I was wondering if I could try to strike a balance between conventional and unconventional storytelling. If you know a way

CRACKASTEPPAVEGAN

6mo

The goals aren't truly vague but they reveal themselves as time goes on. Each chapter does hint about what their goal is but it's rather than implied than outright stated

That's all good. Subtlety is a good thing. I was more so referring to the sense of agency when it comes to the characters being a bit lacking. I'll give an example of a completely different medium, but with the TV show Succession, the main premise is that the aging CEO of a media conglomerate is in need of a replacement, so it's a rat race between the children, but the journey there is filled with short term goals that are just as intense as the long term goal. Where the story lands from episode to episode is always a surprise but we have a concrete idea of what the characters want, which makes the journey and short-term objectives a bit more satisfying.