Feb 12Back in the addiction meetings
- Feb 12
Im very empathetic which makes some aspects of life easier
I could see myself as a therapist tbh
Feb 12Keeping it together seems a challenge
Why I ever tried to put it together seems like a foggy dream
Just letting it all go, journeying towards the abyss is, as always inevitable.Not suicide, just living life only as I want. At the sacrifice of relationships, perhaps.
This goddamn thought always seems in my presence
Feb 13Winter is depressing.
Feb 13Ive been the evilest version of myself these last few weeks
Feb 14·2 replies
- Feb 15
Something is off today
- Feb 15knees
- Feb 17
Hard to find solace in my mind, many thoughts keeps appearing.
Many of them are annoyed at my surroundings, and wants to control them, instead of just accepting them(like the sound of my upstairs neighbor walking around) - Feb 18knees
Feb 20First time in my life i feel like i actually got people looking up to me so these uicidal thoughts can’t drag me down as much but they still linger
Feb 22·1 replyRealistically will not be able to do this for much longer if this keeps up
Feb 22
OrangutanI've been depressed on some level for years before this but now I'm going on nearly 3 years of little to no joy. I probably need to stop drinking and smoking but it's so hard to get home from work and face my issues head on when nothing else can successfully hold my attention. I've actually quit smoking and drinking (apart from rare exceptions) twice now, and each time was for 3ish months I think. The only thing that noticeably improved were my DPDR symptoms, so even if 3 months isn't long enough, it's hard for me to believe that enough to quit again. Maybe I just try cutting down first.
Either way, I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Every little task that used to be second nature to me has been extremely difficult for almost 3 years. I spend nearly all my energy trying to appear "normal" around my friends, family and coworkers. I come home everyday exhausted with nothing to look forward to but drinking and smoking, which doesn't even really feel good anymore, it just helps get my mind off of things. It's the strangest thing, it's like my brain just doesn't have the serotonin or dopamine or whatever to make those things feels good anymore. I understand all substances tend to lose their magic when you abuse them, but it's just so weird for me to be actively inebriated and realize that I don't even feel good, just numb. Honestly, it's been extremely tempting to try something harder, but knowing my addictive personality it would probably be the thing the finally ruins my life for good.
It's just so difficult to keep living to not hurt other people. I think I would've dropped out of college and become a bum years ago if it wasn't for the fact that I need to make decent money if me and my girlfriend want to start a family. It feels so wrong to pass these genes on tho lol. That being said though if my girlfriend were to ever break up with me that might be lights out. She's really the only bright spot in my life. I love my friends and all, but most social outings for me are ruined because of my constant need to keep up appearances. It didn't used to be like that.
I've been getting increasingly bitter about this whole thing too. Why did it have to be me? Why are the years of medication barely doing anything? I was so naïve when I was younger. I was definitely depressed and anxious on some level, dealt with some OCD symptoms too, but I had no idea that it could get this bad. Like, you hear about people being hopelessly depressed but you just have no concept of what that actually entails until you experience it.
Sorry about the pity party / essay. It's just helpful to write this stuff out sometimes.
Ive given up on trying to put up some kind of appearance socially and recently have been pretty honest when ppl ask how ive been etc.
Feb 23Hey we got this
crakc 💤Feb 24Haven’t even seen ig/twitter/tik tok etc for a week. There are no scrollable feeds on my phone anymore. I had a bad bad habit of scrolling whenever I had even a second — at a red light, even pissing etc. I’m amazed at how clear my mind is now and now concious of how bad it was to have all of that bullshit buzzing around my brain all the time. I feel like my mind has been cleansed. In just 7 days my cognition and attention have noticeably improved.
Feb 24I’m fine
- crakc 💤Feb 25Cheetah
Realistically will not be able to do this for much longer if this keeps up
You can break this cycle brother
Feb 25Its Bills nNigga no Ooppps .
Feb 25·1 replyjust want to b happy fr
- Feb 25·1 replyDrogon
just want to b happy fr
- Feb 25·1 replyGManeezy
How are you doing dude?
- Feb 25·1 replyDrogon
How are you doing dude?
Just trying to take it one day at a time. Keeping myself busy and working towards healthier habits is all. How about you?
- Feb 25·1 replyGManeezy
Just trying to take it one day at a time. Keeping myself busy and working towards healthier habits is all. How about you?
Sounds good bro. I'm trying something similar too just need that extra boost to implement those habits. Sleeping is lacking, but i'm trying to stay as positive as possible.
Feb 25·1 replyI’ve attempted to not be here 3 times and I’m just frustrated that I can’t do it right. Idk what the f*** do do anymore. I’ve tried to get help. These voices keep winning.